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TRUE LIFE SERIES | 5 | Tackling Problems |

Posted by : Dele Agbogun Posted date : October 4, 2013 In Marriage 0

I want to appreciate everyone who contributed to the last true life story that was featured here. The advice has been compiled and it will help greatly in resolving the issue.

Here is another true life story. This is presently going on and has not been resolved. It is a true story with real people. We are eagerly looking forward to the various advices that people here willmagnanimously offer.

Some thirty-eight years ago, a teenager had a baby girl out of wedlock for her boyfriend. They struggled to make the relationship work, but seeing that things were not working out, they both decided not to force things. The consensus was that they could both marry who they please, while the baby remains with the boys’ parents, with each parent having equal access to the child. At about age 2 – 3, the woman stopped coming to see her child and eventually disappeared from the Child’s life completely. God so good, her father married a loving and God-fearing woman, who became a mother to her and brought her up to become a responsible woman, who is now married with her own children. All through her years of schooling and maturing, she did not hear a word from her biological mother. In her thoughts, she might as well be dead.

Two years ago, (at age 36), the lady got a call from a strange number. She was only too shocked to hear the voice of a woman at the other end of the line, claiming to be her biological mother. Her first inclination was to bang the phone on her, but she calmly replied that she did not know who she was or what she was talking about. That conversation was the beginning of a comeback move by the biological mother of the child that was abandoned by her almost forty years ago. Of course her first questions were why does the woman want reconciliation now? Where has she been all these years? What if her father had married a horrible woman or she had died at a young age?

Of course the woman had her reasons – she was young, she did not know what she was doing, it wasn’t easy on her, bla bla bla. She has been trying till this moment to convince the girl to forgive her and more importantly give her access to her life and family.

The girl is reluctant to do this. First, her step mother has been a God sent to her and she has been the only mother she knows. She has stood by her through the years; school years, getting married, having children, being a grand mother to her children, etc., she has always been there. The questions now are:

1. How will she now accept a total stranger all because she carried her in her womb? To her, motherhood is earned.

2. How will she introduce the biological mother to her young children as “grandma”? Of course they will throw questions at her.

3. Where will she say “this” grandma has been all their lives? How will she explain the two grandmas to them?

4. Should she accept her? If yes, to what extent should she allow her into her life and family?

5. Would it not be disloyalty to the woman who has been there for her all her life?

NB: Please note that the woman that was abandoned is now a Christian and has forgiven her biological mother. The issue is more of access.

RESPONSE 1

B.A.
In my own opinion, why does the biological mother want to be a part of her life now? Is it that the lady is now so wealthy to get her attention? Doesn’t the woman have other children? I feel her motive MUST be checked because there are many questions needing answers.
It’s enough that the lady has forgiven her. Let her move on, rendering assistance within her capacity where needed as a way of honouring God. I don’t believe she should give her much access into her life and that of her children. What baggage is she coming with?
The adopted (foster) mother is her mother (am so glad she is a godly woman). Motherhood is not just about bringing a child to the world! There are sacrifices to be made; she chose not to make them when it matter the most, why now?
If she was unwise; what about her family? There was no one who is sensitive enough about the young child’s welfare?
Let them drop the excuses, because none is good enough to warrant the abandonment.
For me because of God and for the sake of His love; she can reach out in love as occasion demands BUT no close knitted access.
God will grant her wisdom in Jesus name… Let things be… Too much history… Her children should be protected from such emotional upheaval. Thank you.

RESPONSE 2

The scripture that comes to mind is ‘Be wise as a serpent and gentle as a dove’. She should first relate well to discern the motive and intent of the mother for wanting to come back now. Are there selfish reasons or is she truly repentant and desirous of a loving relationship with her daughter? She would need to be frank with her kids, especially if they can understand….

God might just through her life and decision teach her own children an unforgettable message about mercy, forgiveness and love! At the end of the day, she should trust God and choose to do right by God all the time, the rest will align in due season.

RESPONSE 3

I think she should forgive her mother and let God help her. What if her mother didn’t abandon her and her life did not turn out well. She should be thankful because God is truly involved.

RESPONSE 4

This is a touching story that requires a lot of forgiveness, understanding and God’s help. I will not blame the daughter for finding it difficult to allow her biological mom access to her home. I am not I will allow that as well. Giving birth to a child doesn’t give you a seal of motherhood. It is part of the deal, but goes way beyond giving birth. As a child, you have a clean slate. The people that help you inscribe values and lessons you eventually use live out a successful life have more relevance in your life than someone who merely brings you to the world and leaves your destiny to chance.

I will advise the biological mother gives her enough time for the wound to heal. Even though it was stated that she has forgiven her, I know there are still some measure of internal healing still going on. Access therefore is not the next thing, but getting it right with her daughter first.
Sense Portal Response

1. How will she now accept a total stranger all because she carried her in her womb? To her, motherhood is earned. To be candid, everything in life requires step by step process to evolve. The question of accepting her or not is not something that will happen suddenly. It has taken over three decades before she re-appeared. What has not been invested cannot be enjoyed. There is serious emotional bankruptcy. Any attempt to withdraw will result to a frustrating and resentful experience. Forgiveness is very important and that is what she has done. The level of acceptance cannot be compared with if she has invested in her life when growing up. Whatever extent of acceptance that will be permitted obviously will be gradual and will also require time to improve.

2. How will she introduce the biological mother to her young children as “grandma”? Of course they will throw questions at her. The introduction to the grandchildren is not what should be discussed at this moment. It has the potential of affecting the psychological state if they are still young, even if they are teenagers. The first step is to give the relationship between mother and daughter time to improve before considering the grandchildren.

3. Where will she say “this” grandma has been all their lives? How will she explain the two grandmas to them? The point still remains as explained in the last question. It has to be one step at a time. It will be more disastrous jumping steps without addressing the foundation.

4. Would it not be disloyalty to the woman who has been there for her all her life? Motherhood is earned, not demanded. It is usually difficult to reap where you have not sown. Over three decades of investment cannot be abandoned to cleave unto what you are not certain about. What is the state of the biological mother? What kind of lifestyle has she lived? Are there other children aside the abandoned biological daughter? Why haven’t any family members make efforts for over thirty years to see to her welfare? Why wait till over thirty years before showing up? What is her motive for coming now? The questions goes on and on.

The lessons I would like us to pick from this story are stated below;

1. A stitch in time saves nine; so it is for family relations. When you don’t invest time in your own children who live with you from their developmental phase to adulthood, you start regretting when you suddenly realize they are all grown up and matured and before you know it, they will be out of the house. I tell people, make the most of their younger phase, it is what build intimacy and openness. If this could happen with children living under the same roof with their parents, how much more would the effect be for a mother that was not there for over three decades.

2. People make mistakes. But when mistakes are made, never run away from the problem. A song writer sang a song titled;“He who run away from a fight will live to fight another day”. The only unfortunate thing is that the fight would have become more sophisticated than what it could have been earlier.

3. When we see a young person or relations make mistakes, we should not abandon the person in the situation. We must come to the aid of the person to give necessary counsel and help. This will prevent the situation from degenerating beyond the current state. After all, the person’s level of maturity might not be able to handle the crisis at that stage of his/her life. You never can tell what that child will become in the future.

4. In the event that the situation has degenerated and you have come to the point where you are ready to truly correct the wrong, your attitude, willingness, seriousness and sincere effort are essential traits that must be noticed in order to have the possibility of reconciling the long standing issue(s). How you are perceived will go a long way to show the person offended how truly sorry you are and how really willing and broken you are to seek solution to the already messy state of the situation.

5. You need to ask God for wisdom to go about the whole issue. Certain situations are beyond human capacity to resolve. Some of these situations actually need God’s help in order for it not to get worse.

For further contribution and feedback, send mail to mail@senseportal.org

Thank you.