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TRUE LIFE SERIES | 3 | Loosening The Hard knots

Posted by : Dele Agbogun Posted date : September 6, 2013 In Marriage 0

There is this couple in the northern part of Nigeria who met and started living together without any proper wedding ceremony. Their coming together was as a result of the lady’s pregnancy for the man. The pregnancy made them had a small family get-together to formalize their union and started living together. At that time, the man was working while the lady was not. Though the lady’s parents were reluctant about their union, the couple decided to go ahead with it. A year into their marriage, the guy lost his job. While he was working, he was the king of the house, while the woman had no say. She apparently had to beg for anything she needed before she could get it simply because she wasn’t working. Few months down the line, one of the places she had applied to for a job called her for an interview and she was subsequently given the job. Shortly after she got the job her husband lost his. Things became bad for the man that he had to depend on the wife’s income to sustain the family and also to keep up with the accommodation rent. They had a son who was just two years old then.

The lady got so choked with responsibilities that she began to keep certain things away from her husband. She felt he was lackadaisical about getting another job, not minding the job he got. The man became edgy with a sense of insecurity while the wife became suspicious of the man of seeing another woman. Although he denied the allegation, he claimed the other lady was there for him when the wife had ceased to care. He felt neglected because he was temporarily out of a job. The wife on the other hand claimed he acted the king while he was working, though, claimed not to be using that as revenge. The financial situation put a lot of strain on the man so much that on two different occasions he got physical with the wife. The second incident made the woman move out of the house in order to spite him knowing that he could not cope with the expenses of the house. At this stage, they got into a battle of who took custody of their son?

1. What is your opinion about their decision of coming together as husband and wife?

2. What will you advice about the decision of hiding things from her husband?

3. What is your take on the man becoming physical with his wife?

4. What advice will you give to help this couple restore their relationship to normal?

RESPONSE 1

1. They should still have gone ahead to do the proper wedding and gone for marriage counseling or post marriage counseling despite the mistake of pregnancy. They made the mistake of just sleeping with each other and committing themselves to a lifetime bond without considering what it takes to run a successful marriage. Obviously they thought marriage is all about liking someone and getting to have sex.

2. They should both have gone for counseling when they started having problems, hiding things from her husband was widening the gap between the two of them.

3. Getting physical with his wife was the height of it, once a situation gets to that stage, separation is advised else somebody will get battered and harmed.

4. I would advise they both come together to talk things over knowing that marriage has made them become one; each is meant to work for the good of the other. There is no perfect situation anywhere; they both need to work it out. Seek the help of God and professionals but first they should both desire to make their marriage work.

RESPONSE 2

The foundation was faulty to begin with. They were involved sexually outside of marriage which now resulted in a ‘compelled’ union. Even the parents were not happy.
To answer the questions:

It was wrongly contracted. They really did not start with marriage to be the outcome if she had not gotten pregnant. A similar case of this marriage comes to mind; it is sad because the lady in question with a similar experience lost her life in that marriage. She got married because she was pregnant for the man while they were dating.

While I do not advocate secrecy between married couples, I however would advise a wife whose husband is no longer totally committed to their marriage vows to be careful but again what things was she keeping from her husband?
In the case of any man becoming physical(abusive) with a woman whatever the relationship is totally unacceptable but again there is another case of a wife(now this also very real, the man’s sister is a close friend)slapping her husband every oat every provocation, comes to mind. She started slapping him at home and she sees that he never retaliates. She took it further by doing same in the public, even in front of friends. I learnt the man’s resolve to make the marriage work was responsible for him not taking a brash step. This continued with the wife becoming physically violent whenever there is an argument. I advised the sister to tell her brother to let the woman go before she kills him. No one (man or wife) deserves to be subjected to such inhuman treatment. This is the same advice I am giving in this instance.
Finally, If the relationship can be restored by both party agreeing not to become physical(very important) and also go for proper counseling and marriage contract( as in Court or Church) to legalize their union and promise to respect each other and giving their marriage opportunity to succeed. I think that will be a good start for reconciliation and a better foundation.

RESPONSE 3

They came together as a result of pregnancy, it is called a shot-gun marriage, pregnancy induced. T, he man becoming physical is psychological, its coming out of frustration and anger, it is definitely wrong, the wife hiding things may not be totally right, however she is feeling insecure because she feels he is seeing another woman and does not have a proper drive to secure another job. I will advice she doesn’t hide from her husband, but since she doesn’t feel secure, I don’t blame her totally, she may need to study the situation well before saying everything. It is not likely that they have a good relationship with God. I will advice they both allow God’s help. The man should stop extra marital affairs, that will bring a level of peace, she should submit to her husband and then the husband should get a job no matter how small to take care of his home.

RESPONSE 4

The first question that comes to mind is whether they have a good relationship with God?

If yes, the issues arising as a result of this union is not surprising as the bed has been defiled and the foundation is not right. There is something eternally honorable in a woman who knows how to say ‘’ NO” to sexual advances outside marriage, it’s oftentimes a pointer to the values she holds dear however I would quickly add that virginity or sexual abstinence does not always equal fantastic attitude and character.

There is a lot if indication that the couple weren’t real friends or they never cultivated the habit of praying, saying, baring and trashing it ‘’Naked and not Ashamed”, if they had likely that things won’t degenerate to the level of keeping secret and beating.

Loving in the true sense of it is beyond emotion and sexual satisfaction………….it’s a continuous conscious decision to be selfless in the relationship.

The couple must first want restoration of the relationship, they must be willing to do all that is required to make it work. Then plenty prayers, soul searching and talking to each other is a must. All can be easily and better done with the guidance of a trained marriage counselor.

God help us all.

CONCLUSION

My appreciation goes to all the contributors. Your varying views has been fantastic and helpful. It will obviously help some marriages out there seeking to make things right in their homes. The stated conclusions below tend to summarize the contributions with a few pints added by sense portal.

1. They should have a good relationship with God. Your source determines your quality.

2. They should have the right information about what marriage entails. Where you gather information from about marriage will determine how you run your home.

3. Must both be willing to make their marriage succeed. Commitment is one of the foundation for a successful home.

4. The BEATING syndrome MUST never be allowed in the marriage, whether from the man or the woman as the case may be. Getting physical is not the right route to take in resolving issues. The part of dialogue, understanding and maturity are better approaches to take in arriving at a successful end.

5. There should be strong desire on the part of the man to work. He need to get something to do with his hands, irrespective of how small the pay is from the beginning. Things will definitely improve over time with a sustained desire.

6. The willingness on both parties should compel them to seek for help from a professional counselor. Having platform to express your feelings, emotions and anger will create opportunity for you to have a healthy resolution at the end of the day.

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