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The place of conflict in marriage could either make or mar it depending on the level of maturity of the parties involved

Posted by : Dele Agbogun Posted date : November 13, 2018 In Managing Conflicts 0

In life, there is always the law of “ Cause” and “Effect”. Whatever we do or put into life will always yield something in return.

Now, I can not categorically say this is what it will produce. All I know is that something will come out of what we put into life. The person that holds that power is “YOU”. You cannot plant corn seeds and expect to harvest beans. It will sound weird for anyone to think or talk that way.

When it comes to conflict management, how you manage it will either make the issue(s) more complicated or make it better.

I like to ask some questions;

What is the essence of disagreement(Single or married)?
Do you have a mindset that issues will not arise between you and your partner(Single or married)?
Which do you prefer? A worsening outcome or an enriching one?
Are you willing to give the relationship what it requires to have an enriching outcome?

The essence of disagreement is to foster understanding, maturity and trust. The fact that you are from two different background is more than enough to generate opposing views between the two of you.

Twins from the same womb, born on the same day and from the same mother have their differences. How much more you that have different upbringing, training, exposure and possibly from different tribes. Any relationship depicting perfection most likely has deceptive outlook.

No relationship under the sun is perfect. We only have two people working together to make things progressively better in their relationship.

You should be able to answer the question;

Which do you prefer? A worsening outcome or an enriching one? This will put an acid test on the kind of vision you have for your home. Anyone in a relationship should have that big picture. The picture of a preferable future with your partner you are going to get married to or already married to(husband, wife, children and other areas of your life with your partner). It is this picture that drives the values you live by. It determines where you live, choice of partner, who you associate with, what kind of lifestyle you imbibe and ultimately what you do. When you have that picture, it helps you to see where your partner comes in in the overall arrangement.

When issue(s) comes up, it helps you mirror those issues in the light of the bigger picture. In such instance, conflict management is better handled than someone without an end picture in view.

It is easier written that practiced. I can attest to it that it is more difficult to put it to use than saying it. You need to have a good grip on some of the following traits in order to experience enriching outcomes in your relationship.

You should not be a critical person. Don’t always point out the wrong without seeing any good in your partner. Talk about the flaws but not in a derogatory manner. You don’t have to rub it in to make your point. Develop the ability to always separate issues from persons. In all of these, criticism in itself is not bad. It is ensuring that it is a constructive, not destructive criticism you are deploying.
Ability to see intentions behind every action. This was a real deliverance for me towards the end of first year of our marriage. Up until then, I usually have serious disagreement with my wife. I have better understanding now that it was mere personality clash. I would rather focus on how she approaches issues than what got her upset. The day I made the switch to focus more on why she was usually upset, it gave me a paradigm shift. I understood better that my focus should be on what I did that produced what I saw. And if I cannot help stopping what I did in some instances(believing that it was not wrong), then I would rather bring it up for a discussion to hear each other out. This helped us greatly.
You will not always have your way. Yes, you heard me right. Are you used to always having your way growing up? It will be a great shock to you because marriage doesn’t work that way. There are instances you will have your way in terms of opinion or making decisions. Some other instances, you have to let go for your partner to have his or her own ways. This is true, especially when you are dealing with a superior opinion or decision. It doesn’t matter whether it is the man or woman. What matters is that it is serving the interest of the relationship or family. This will bring me to my last point.
Be secured. Any man or lady suffering from the symptom of insecurity will have issues in his or her relationship. Insecurity is like a cancer that spreads and gets more complicated “IF” not treated on time. There is a sense in which you will give wrong interpretations to some issues. An innocent intention can be misinterpreted to mean evil when you mirror it through the lens of insecurity.

I have practiced and still practicing what I stated above. It has enhanced my conflict management skills over 16 years of our marriage now.

You can attest whether you are handling your case well at the moment or not. Wherever you are, be willing to give it a try. You will experience amazing improvement in your relationship you can possibly imagine.

#MaritalBlissIsPossible