Interestingly, It comes across as a needful knowledge to know that we are sexual beings, driven by hormonal glands in our systems. It’s a sheer deception to say sexual urge doesn’t really matter or exist. In fact, not feeling it is indicative of an inherent problem.

According to Wikipedia: Testosterone is a steroid hormone from the androgen group and is found in humans and other vertebrates. In humans and other mammals, testosterone it is secreted primarily by the testicles of males and, to a lesser extent, the ovaries of females. Small amounts are also secreted by the adrenal glands. It is the principal male sex hormone and an anabolic steroid.

In men, testosterone plays a key role in the development of male reproductive tissues such as the testis and prostate as well as promoting secondary sexual characteristics such as increased muscle, bone mass, and the growth of body hair.

If it is a core part of our human system, then it will not make any sense for us to pretend that it is not present in our hormones. I once heard an amusing story about a guy who was engaged to a lady. Whenever they were with each other, he finds it embarrassing when sexual urge comes upon him. He decided to visit a pastor that he wants the demon responsible for sexual urge to be cast out of his body. In response, the pastor said that implies that he also needs a deliverer as well because he suffers from the same symptom.

Having the urge towards someone you love or attracted to is not the main issue.The real issue is who is in control of the other? Is the urge in control of you or you are in control of the urge?Taking a mental summersault to office setting between colleagues, boss/subordinate or subordinate/boss relationship, it will interest you to note that it’s not a respecter of anyone no matter your echelon(class or rank).

In addendum, It is equally important to know that it is inherent in children, adolescents and teenagers. This goes to confirm that it is a prevailent phenomenon among all human beings. It is therefore not about denying its presence in us rather it is more about accepting its reality and knowing how best to be in control of its power and the appropriateness of its use. There is a story of a man who revealed that he used to feel funny in a sexual way towards the lady he intended to get married to. And then he thought to himself, there is a problem with me that needs to be dealt with because he has decided that they were not going to sleep with each other until they get married.

However, he sees this issue of sexual urge as a monster haunting him to fail in his resolve of holding on until the wedding night. Feeling so concerned and bordered, he decided to seek for counsel on how to deal with the situation. He sought the counsel of a senior colleague who was also engaged and narrated his ordeal to him. He told the senior colleague that he thinks something is seriously wrong with him. Listening with amusement, the friend responded that it also implies that he equally needs help. The colleague went further to explain how such feeling is not much of a problem as to how such experience is handled.

For the married, some people might think having feelings towards another person other that their spouse is satanic. It is just natural to have these emotional feelings towards someone else. The main concern is how you tame such feelings. It is one thing to have such emotional feelings towards someone, it is totally a different ball game harboring and prolonging such emotional feelings to the point where it causes you to act accordingly.

I will like us to examine the possible implications of allowing the feelings to linger until it causes you to be sexually involved.

Possible Implications of Getting Sexually Involved

1. Unwanted pregnancy. What I realized over the years is that the moment it happened once, it makes the second and subsequent ones progressively easier to be repeated. Once it gets to this level, it increases the chances of resulting into pregnancy. There is a sense in which the sensational feelings tend to overlook the huge psychological weight and responsibilities that accompanies pregnancy. I had at different occassions counselled scores of similar cases in this regard. Obviously, most of them didn’t factor in the possibility of their actions resulting into pregnancy. Hence, when it happened, they did n’t have the slightest clue of what to do. This explained why a good number of people in this category think of abortion as the first remedy in order to save the embarrassment or shame it will bring to self and the entire family members. I talk about it at length to as many people I’m opportuned to tell either one on one or in any public speaking engagement I am invited to speak that if this is one of the possible outcomes, why venture into it.
2. Loss of value and respect. There is a possibility that it gives the other person an impression that you are cheap and thereby every “Dick and Harry” always has his or her way. This is another possible outcome of this illicit act. While having all these escapades, it feels good and enjoyable. Meanwhile, there is no formal or legal commitment from both parties that secures the future which implies that both parties are free to call it quit whenever they like. I must admit though that some western world and developing countries does not see this commitment as anything worthwhile. The idea is : ‘We meet each other, we like each other, why can’t we start and enjoy sleeping with each other. And in the event that we cease to long for each other, we can go our separate ways’. I try to analyse the eventual outcomes of such mentality. If you truly care for, and love someone genuinely, to break up with the person after sleeping with each other will be difficult. To enter another relationship after a previous one indicates lack of true love. Humorously, i do say that you can share your heart from person to person until you have none left for yourself to breathe. At this point sensitivity, emotions and genuine feelings are deadened and what is left is temporary enjoyment from person to person without genuine love and care. At this stage, some people do it for business while others just indulge in it to ease tension whenever the urge comes.
3. Misconception about your true personality. If you allow it to have a hold on you and you eventually have sex, there is no doubt that the other party won’t assume that it is your normal lifestyle. Looking at two scenarios here; I am engaged to you, we had sex couple of times before we got married scenario compared to: We got engaged, didn’t have sex until we got married. The second scenario’s tendency of thinking along this line is very thin. As a marriage consultant, I have dealt with both cases and I saw where the first scenario has the tendency to believe that there is a high possibility of keeping extra-marital affair after marriage. The disquieting thought of: “How am i sure that I was the only one he/she got involved with sexually as at the time we were dating/courting, “How am I even so sure I am the owner of the baby”, “If I can have her so cheaply, how am I sure that many other guys are not still having their ways in her life?” All these skepticism(uncertainty) can eventually play out later on. If the first scenario plays out in your case, it might be difficult to sustain your relationship or even marriage successfully over a long period.

4. Tendency to become obsessed with sex.  Whatever you indulge in has the tendency to become habitual of you. In the area of sex, there is an intimate part of you that has been shared with your partner such as the erotic feelings you are left with. The same way it works for those that engage in smoking or drinking, you want to always go back to experience this ecstatic (overjoyed) world as many times over as you wanted.  This insatiable urge ultimately turns into an obsession that you find difficult to control. This position is almost an interminable(endless) deed to the extent that if the relationship doesn’t work out again, you easily move into another one and continue to indulge in the very act. Few years ago, there was a particular case I handled about a young lady involved in a similar act. This lady became so obsessed that any guy that made advances towards her eventually slept with her. The relationship doesn’t have to end before she got involved with another person. She became tired of her lifestyle that she had to call for help. The person she confided in brought her case to me. When we met, scheduled counseling was adopted over a period of one year before she was able to break free from the obsessive act of sex. As we speak now, she is married with two lovely kids and both spouses are enjoying their marriage.
5. It might not be a true representation of love to each other. It doesn’t allow the confirmation of whether it’s genuine love existing between the two. There are times infatuation can be taking for true love. Relationship is meant to be given time to evolve into a serious one that you can now take to the point of tying the knot. There is a subtle way getting involved sexually clouds your sense of objective reasoning and adequate assessment of the state of the relationship. This sort of relationship prevents you from seeing the RED ALERTS until you are both married, then your eyes becomes clearer. Someone once said that if people are saying that love is blind, then marriage will help you open it. The unfortunate thing is that, by the time your eyes are opened, you would have already walked down the aisle and exchanged your vows. If you decide to break from each other afterwards, you both become divorcees tagging you.

My candid advice on how best to deal with sexual urge is stated below:

Dealing with the Urge

1. Admit the urge is inherent in you. Until you come to concrete terms with reality that it is planted in you, you will be acting out of self-deceit. But with the admittance, it makes you more conscious and deliberate on how to deal with it. People who don’t accept its possible impact ended up becoming one of the victims of sexual involvement. I know some people who will spiritualize it and conclude that it is the devil. Others may say; “I don’t know how I got myself into this; It just happened!”

   2.     Don’t arouse the urge before your marriage. In order to avoid getting involved sexually before you marry, there is no point engaging in activities that will increase the chances of your getting involved. We have activities spanning from:

a.   Being alone in enabling environment at odd hours that can encourage sexual involvement

b.   Being Insensitive to your active sexual nature.

c.   Indulging in kissing, romancing, fondling etc which will all lead to losing control over your emotions.

d.   Spending the night in your spouse’s place.

e.   Associating with friends who practically don’t see anything wrong with pre-marital sex.

3.   Practice accountability. Deliberately cultivate the habit of having someone that can watch your back and put a check on you. Some people might misinterpret this to mean being childish. However, remember that out of the multitude of counselors and accountability partners, wrong steps and mistakes can be avoided. The choice of your circle of friends is very key to the success of accountability. They have to be like-minded people who uphold and share similar belief of keeping themselves pure until the wedding day.

4.  Learn to be real and sincere with yourself. Communicate how you feel to your partner without fears. It helps your partner take note of sensitive places to avoid. It also guides your partner to have a good understanding of your sexual tendencies.

5.  Agree and resolve with your partner that no sex until marriage. Two people cannot effectively walk together except they concur(agree). This will bring the need for the two parties committed to helping each other ensure that the sacred vow is kept until the day of wedding.

In a nutshell, coming in terms with our sexual nature and fully understanding that we have hormones that can alter the state of our attitude towards sex make it necessary for us to take personal responsibilities for our relationships and their outcomes. What ultimately happens to you in your relationship is primarily your choice. Do not blame any situation or person IF it eventually happened before your marriage. You are solely responsible for your actions. And if you have being involved already, what it takes is for you to:

1.  Admit your weaknesses
2.  Evaluate your circles of friends
3.  Get a mentor in the area of relationship and marriage.
4.  Commit to keeping yourselves until after your wedding day.

You will succeed!

For More enquiry and question(s)

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