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Relationship101 – It’s not my fault

Posted by : Dele Agbogun Posted date : January 10, 2013 In Marriage 0

Often times when issues get out of hand in a relationship, it has been observed that each party has their justification of why the fault lies with the other person.
Wives don’t be so focused on yourself to the detriment of your family. Wives are in partnership with their husbands, that is why the word “parents” exists. Wives play a critical role in the family; its success is largely dependent on her contribution and her level of maturity. The alarming rate of divorce can be reduced if we have wives with better understanding of what family life is all about.

The followings are some of the attributes required of a wife;

1. Submission: This is debatable depending on the cultural background of the couple. Marriage did not just evolve out of nowhere, it was instituted by God Himself and He has the template for a successful home. It requires you to be submissive to your own husband just as your husband is required to love you—unconditionally. Some women find this difficult because their husband’s attitude will in turn influence their decision to submit or not. While this is true to a large extent, it should not be allowed to give certain outcomes, especially when it has the potential to ruin the relationship.

2. Decision-making: This is the ability to make right judgment at the right time, in any given situation. The quality of the decision you make is a function of your level of understanding about the situation. This is a very important point to ponder on, because when it (decision-making ability) is missing, it will create unnecessary tension. This tension has the potential to ruin the home.

3. Outlook: This is a key factor to which you should pay close attention. Your outlook (comportment, attitude, carriage) will form the perception of you by your in-laws and people around you. Some newlyweds have had issues in this respect, and this has to be dealt with as soon as possible. Your outlook will determine how you are addressed.

4. Model: Wives that desire a successful home need to be an example for others. This can be in the area of attitude, conduct, speech or morale. An overbearing wife will be repulsive to her family and the people around her. This has a huge potential to affect her home negatively. The feel of your husband hearing comments like She is; an asset, bold, couragious, and spices up atmosphere around people enhances the chances for success.

5. Selfless: Not self -seeking, but given to hospitality. You should note that the arrangement of a home is not all about “my family and I”. The truth is, it goes beyond just your immediate family. For you to be an inspiration to others, there must be certain virtues (generosity, acts of benevolence, caring, having good morals etc.) your family is known for that will eventually draw other families to you as an inspiration.

6. Sacrificial: A self-denying and self-sacrificing heart. When commitment is missing from a home, effectiveness in most areas of that home will also be missing. Without commitment; harmony, trust, friendliness, love, quality time etc., will be difficult to realize. The missing commitment poses a threat to the success of the home.

7. Self-Control: Discretion in the use of tongue. Words are powerful. It could either make or mar a relationship. Like someone said; word are like eggs, which if broken will be practically impossible to get back to its original state. The choice of words you use for your husband, in-laws, or people around you matter a great deal, and should be with discretion and wisdom. What this does is give you a negative label, and this forms the basis for people’s perception of you.

The followings are some of the attributes required of a husband;

1. Vision: You see for your family, since the eyes are located in the head. You are the captain of your own family, you should see ahead and avoid any possible detours spotted ahead of time. You are a protector and provider for your family.

2. Responsibility: Husbands you have to accept responsibility for the outcome of your home, whether the outcome is favorable or not. You should own up and face the consequences of your actions, making necessary adjustments.

3. Sensitivity: You should set aside your own comfort, seeing the needs of your wife as priority, and keep them in view to see to its actualization. When this is missing, you become self-centred and only see yourself in any situation you are with your wife.

4. Flexibility: You should not allow your previous ways of doing things dictate a rigid approach to continue same after marriage. Be willing to do things differently in order to achieve better results. Refuse to be glued to your previous ways of doing things in order to experience progress. The flavour she brings to the equation is what makes the great difference. Most times, men are more on the logical side while women are more on the intuitive side. The combination of this two makes a more accurate decision.

5. Love: You should have genuine love and affection towards your wife and prefer her over everyone else. Preferring her over everyone else is honoring, esteeming, and appreciating her.

6. Maturity: You have a nature that is able to go through challenges without necessarily taking it out on your wife or people around you. This is the ability to withstand and wage through challenges successfully and still maintain your sanity.

7. Submission: You engage the help of God, submit to his authority, knowing that your home is an institution that is established by God, and that it takes only God to help sail through successfully. Your submission grant access to the capability needed to make a successful home.

These two dimensions for wives and husbands require effective working for success to be experienced. There is therefore a strong need for both parties to first and foremost have a good understanding of what it takes from them as listed above.
Secondly, both parties need to commit with resolved minds to make it work, playing their part in the game.
Thirdly, give time and room for each other to make necessary adjustments to areas of differences.

It takes two to tango, and two people cannot walk hand in hand if they are not going to the same place. With these in perspective and corresponding efforts geared towards it, the marriage relationship will be a success and subsequently become a model for others to follow.
This quote captures our attitude nicely; [We have the nerve to say “Let me wash your face for you”, when your own face is distorted by contempt? It’s this I-know-better-than-you mentality again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your own part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your face and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your spouse]