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Questions On My Mind | Why Love In Marriage Seems Less Than Love In Courtship? |

Posted by : Dele Agbogun Posted date : March 11, 2014 In Marriage 0

What an interesting experience love is. I used to wonder if one of the two lovebirds was actually playing games with the other party whenever love goes sour. Because how could the love that was once cherished while dating suddenly go out of the window in marriage? Why does it seem as if each party takes their share of the once celebrated love and goes their separate ways when things go wrong? The same mouth that expressed undying love now expresses regrets at the attitude of the other person.

What could have gone wrong? What could be responsible? What can be done to prevent or resolve this downward trend? Hmm! The questions go on and on.

This plays out whenever each party decides to take his or her part of the deal away from the relationship. It is synonymous to tearing apart two complementary hearts that ought to make a complete heart.

I asked myself, how have I fared in the last twelve years of my marriage? I remember our commitment to the relationship in the early years in terms of time spent together, poetic letters written, periods of walking each other home and following back like we have on twitter, on a journey of about 10kilometres; the indescribable energy and the excitement as well as the ‘never enough’ time whenever we were together.

Where did ALL these energy and excitement disappear to? The stated reasons below are some of the factors I realized could be responsible for this, based on my findings over the years;

1. Sense of accomplishment. This seems to be common with men more than with women. This, I realized, is due to the wiring system of a man which influences his sense of reasoning and judgment. He sees each stage of life as a task to be accomplished, while the lady sees it more as a phase which is dependent on the next phase of life. The woman tends to see the connections more while the man sees each phase as an end of an era, shelves it, and moves to the next phase. The man sees this trend as tasks; seeing a lady he likes and working out strategies to win her heart, courting or dating, wedding, married life, pregnancy period, raising children etc. The devotion of love during courtship or dating period gradually fizzles out as the man moves through these phases.

2. Increased responsibilities. The increased responsibilities tend to also take up part of the total time previously spent together. The time taken is subjected to activities that also have its toll on the mind, thereby taking away part of the attention devoted to each other. You realize that before you enter the marriage phase, your thought patterns are largely independent. You are not under compulsion to decide things together. But in marriage, you must because it is what affects both of you. You are also aware that it has high tendency of lasting consequences.

3. Introduction of children into the family. This is also related to the immediate previous point. It is an additional responsibility on both parties, dividing your time, strength and attention.

4. The reality of what marriage entails. The courtship or dating period allows a lot of chemistry to flow within your system to the point where judgments are blurred at times. Someone once said that “Though love is blind, marriage will help you open it”. The truth is the ‘feelings dominated’ you will switch into the ‘factual dominated’ you. Things become more real to you due to direct experiences encountered.

HOW TO SUSTAIN A REASONABLE LEVEL OF LOVE IN YOUR MARRIAGE:

1. Open mind. Have a heart that is open to God’s help. Let your heart be open and flexible to learn new things, but sensitive enough to filter the unwanted debris that can pollute your mind.

2. Made up mind. Have a resolved mind. You have to resolve in your mind that you will enjoy your marriage, irrespective of what comes your way.

3. Seeing your differences from the right perspective. Take your differences as a flavor in your relationship, not a problem.

4. Exhibit high level of wisdom. Have an understanding that you also have weaknesses. You need to have the capacity to see things from each other’s view point. Most of the times, both parties are right. I realized that the approach is usually the issue. One might take a left curve to arrive at his destination while the other party takes the right curve to arrive at the same point. The fact that you took different routes doesn’t make either party wrong. The focus should be on understanding each other’s approach and seeing how it could be adopted to getting greater results, instead of being hell bent on your own approach.

5. Control over your spouse’s anger. Whenever your spouse expresses anger towards you, look more in the direction of the reason behind the anger and not the ACT or UTTERANCES. This has the capacity to make you put things in proper perspective. If done contrary, you stand the risk of being petty on issues.

Putting all of these into a clear perspective will give you the right estimation of the situation. Having this right understanding will open your heart for more creativity that will help sustain the love. It is obvious that the chemistry will not be the same, but your resolve and decision to enjoy your home and not endure it puts a responsibility on both parties to inject other sustaining activities. My candid advice, if you want a lasting, exciting and refreshing love life is to allow your mind to be given to commitment, openness, trust and willingness to add value to the union. Bear this in mind; competing will never solve the problem. It is complementary approach that will work best.