Question: My husband is a quiet person who does not talk much while I am a very expressive person. I love to express myself when angry while he feels that silence is best when angry. He expects me not to say anything when angry especially when he says it’s okay I’m expected to just keep quiet and pretend as if all is well. But this is difficult for me to do because the issue will remain unresolved and there is every tendency that the same thing will re-occur. I have been trying to make him understand the way I feel about this but he’s just not getting it. Does it mean that I am not being submissive?
Where Do I Place Submission In Marriage?
There is a subject ontemperament development. It highlighted the behavioural pattern of a man and woman, pointing out the strengths and weaknesses of both genders. When you try to curb someone’s nature, s/he will fight back, which will create more problems. Some factors affirm a man’s behavior; the influence of parental upbringing, environment, education and culture. These contribute to the makeup of a man in addition to his domineering nature. This explains why we have men with different approaches to issues.
There are certain things that ought to be left the way they are, especially if the man says it’s okay in order not to escalates the issue. But there are some other things that you should not keep mute about even if he said it’s okay.
However,note that at that particular time when he said it is okay, there are possible reasons that could have led to this statement;
1. He has reached the limit of hislistening capacityso even if you keep talking, he won’t respond. He has moved on.
2. Another thing is evaluating your attitude when angry. How do you express your anger? Your manner of expression when angry determines his response to you. Look at what style you use, is it the soothing type or otherwise?
3.Also look at the issue at hand, is it one you can let go? If not, then I would advise that you bring it up another day. Let him know that if an issue is done for him that does not necessarily mean that it has been resolved for you. It is not to indict him but to clear the air. You just want to clear the air so you can move on and avoid repetition of same issue. Put it in a way that will make him feel good like” I just want to hear your own opinion, don’t tell me it’s okay, next time I may offend you again, and if this kind of situation arises, what will you have me do?” Let him feel like you’re seeking his counsel as the “oga” (Boss) of the house but don’t keep insisting that as far as you’re concerned it’s not okay, ‘let me say my piece you know I am a woman’. Put a lot of things into perspective.
You have to come to the realisationthat marriage is not for babies but for mature adults, both psychologically and spiritually. I used to say to myself that of what use is winning an argument if wining will make me loose the relationship? I would advise that you let go of certain things. Letting go is not admittance of guilt but a display of maturity. The maturity and flexibility in your approach in any given situation is a major way to win respect especially whenyou have gotten to a dead end. I have experienced this on certain occasions. There are few times I had my way and I made the family paid for my wrong decisions. Allowhim once in a while, when mistakes are made and he has to pay for the consequences, he will learn from them. Men are wired to be domineering and also love taking charge. When a woman attempts to approach things in similar vein, it will be interpreted as attempting to take charge. The balance to this though is that you make sure that it’s not something that will mar your marriage. Allow him, he will learn from it over time. You have a lifetime to go, so a few years learning will not take much out of your marriage, and after he has learnt the necessary lessons, he will make the necessary changes.All these in their proper perspective will naturally put submission in its right position.
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