You Are Here: Home » Marriage » Questions On My Mind | What Attracted While Dating Becomes A Bone Of Contention In Marriage 2 | Husband’s Response |

Questions On My Mind | What Attracted While Dating Becomes A Bone Of Contention In Marriage 2 | Husband’s Response |

Posted by : Dele Agbogun Posted date : May 18, 2014 In Marriage 0

‘’Opposites attract’’ they say. But this seems to fade away in marriage as partners tend to get irritated with the weaknesses of each other which attracted them initially. How can you take your focus off these weaknesses and focus more on the strengths of one another? (Why does the Very Thing That Attracted you, while Dating/Courting, turns out to be a Bone of Contention in Marriage?)

Husband; everyone is said to have his/her own strengths and weaknesses. And love is blind, they say, but marriage will open it. The truth is that your eyes are already open; just ensure to maintain maturity and sensitivity when dating anyone. I always tell people, what you will not accept, it’s better you verbalize it and say it to your partner before you get married. The problem I have personally observed is that the chemistry that runs in our veins while dating has a way of making one gloss over certain weaknesses during courtship that you will eventually not be able to cope with when married. The very thing that attracted both parties then creates problems when married. We tend to see ourselves only in the light of our strengths while we see the other person in the light of his/her weaknesses. Certainly, we all have our strengths which are in different areas.

As a young couple, accept one another the way you are. One thing you need to understand is that changing your own self requires God’s help, how much more changing another human being you did not create.

Three major things you need to know about your spouse:

S/he will eventually outgrow certain things you don’t like about him/her. It’s the desire of everybody to see positive changes in his/her spouse. When this happens, there is obvious joy, seeing things change from what you never liked to what you like.
S/he will change over time in some areas than others. Certain aspects of your spouse’s life will witness improvement but not necessarily to the point you would have loved. The best you can do is to praise the aspects that experience improvement and also to encourage where you still desire further changes.
There are yet other areas about your spouse that might not change because s/he has become so entrenched in them. Irreconcilable difference is said to be a blessing, rather than a problem. But I have heard from some couples that their differences were the reason for their separation. So I realized that the differences that attracted two people in the first place can also be responsible for their separation later. The truth is you may have enjoyed certain things about him or her because you do not live together under the same roof during this period; you probably spend a few hours together daily, weekly, or monthly. Displaying such traits within that limited time is totally a different ball game from living together under the same room 24/7 the rest of your life. The same person that you saw as being fun to be with while courting may then suddenly become a serious concern for his or her ‘goal getting’ attitude, talking, quiet or finicky nature. You must wake up to these realities and be ready to be responsible and committed to making it work. As Christians, divorce is not an option so don’t even go in that direction as long as it’s not involving threat to your life and your health.

Lessons from Responses

Imbibe an orientation that the experiences in courtship are different from the ones in marriage.
Take the frustrations you experience in your marriage that has to do with your spouse’s weaknesses to God in prayer for wisdom on how to handle the situations. You have to consider the reality that those weaknesses you see in your partner cannot change overnight. If they are not working for the good of the marriage, keep praying about it and continue discussing this in a subtle manner so they do not breed bitterness and resentment between you.
Take caution so it does not degenerate into bigger issues. Deliberately make effort on your part as God helps you to ensure that these issues are well managed
Read books that address those issues.
Talk to a mentor (an individual or a couple that has an admirable and inspiring marital relationship) in a manner that does not suggest that you are reporting your partner.
Seek to understand your partner and his/her love language(s).