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Motherhood – Passive or Active

Posted by : Dele Agbogun Posted date : December 24, 2012 In Marriage 0

I grew up witnessing a mother that is totally submissive , even to a hurt. In an earlier post – Fatherhood; Active or Passive, I stated how my experience with my father involved diving for cover when he comes around. I stated in the post how some fathers yell at their children to have things done when it seems delayed or not taken seriously.

On the part of motherhood, I will like to give this short story about my parents and how life eventually played out for us, the children.

I remember vividly about my parents; my father’s picture of a home was for the wife to be at home and take care of the home front (children and domestic affairs) while he, the father, is to provide resources for his family. My mother’s view in the issue was different, hers was “supporting your husband”. I am the fourth child in the family of eight children. We were still much younger then and my father’s income seemed to be adequate, but my mother saw ahead that one day these children will grow into adulthood, with expenses on the increase. There was high school to go to and university education to be obtained. My father seemed not to see this and insisted that she should not work but to stay at home. He was the Director of Sport in one of the institutions of higher learning in Nigeria then. My mother got some counsel from some of my father’s friends that if she enrolled in a short course, she will get a job, and this will afford her the opportunity to support my father in later years.

Interestingly, she enrolled and finished the course within a year. The only thing that stood between her and the job was my father’s approval. He never did and she never got the job. She finally decided to relax and focus on us, the children. The later part of our years witnessed some of us going to institutions of higher learning, and things became increasingly tough on my father and my mother had to go into the manufacturing of cassava flakes and also had mini mart. This eventually helped to some extent, though small relative to my father’s contribution.

While this was going on, she made sure that none of us lacked the basic things we needed.

In my growing up years, I observed the following as key to the role my mother played that is still helping me up until now. The following deductions will serve as useful tips for those who want to experience the joy of successful motherhood

1 Care: The number one thing I observed was that my mother cared so much for us that she sacrificed her whole attention on us. I observed that not all mothers did this when I was growing up. This really entrenched certain values in me to note that sacrifices had to be made for my children if I wanted to see a healthy bond between myself and them. This actually turned out to be true because most of us (my siblings and I) tilted towards our mother than our father. This was obvious because we naturally gravitated to her in our later years than towards our father, not that we didn’t like him, but because of the style he used to raise us.Care: The number one thing I observed was that my mother cared so much for us that she sacrificed her whole attention on us. I observed that not all mothers did this when I was growing up. This really entrenched certain values in me to note that sacrifices had to be made for my children if I wanted to see a healthy bond between myself and them. This actually turned out to be true because most of us (my siblings and I) tilted towards our mother than our father. This was obvious because we naturally gravitated to her in our later years than towards our father, not that we didn’t like him, but because of the style he used to raise us.

2 Teacher: I remember the days when she will be with us, her children, showing us how to do our school assignments and giving us lessons to do. I remember clearly how my elder brother and I engaged in a spelling competition, and she would be the one that asked us questions and it was fun.

3 Counsellor: Countless times, she would make us see reasons behind any “punishment meted out on us”, teaching and counselling us to learn from it and not be bitter. In all our ups and downs, she was always there to offer words of comfort and encouragement to re-assure us of a bright future.

4 Cook: I have been married for ten years, and one thing I can still clearly see is how she would be so passionate and engrossed in the kitchen, rushing to make food available for everybody to eat. It became a funfair because we all had to help out in one way or the other, —sweet memories.

5 Personal Assistant: my mother was the personal assistant to her husband in everything he did for us children. You, as a wife are to render support services to your husband and stick by his side-always.

6 Co-trainer: Motherhood puts you as co-trainer of your children with your husband, to train them physically, mentally and spiritually. Generally speaking, women have such an affectionate touch on the life of their children, which aids bonding. There is a blend only a mother can bring into upbringing which is not natural to fathers. In this age where everything is fast-paced, the mother takes on the role of chief-trainer while the father takes up the co-pilot seat; balance is encouraged here, where fathers take their rightful position.

The saying goes; “It takes two to tango”. Without an effective alliance between the husband and the wife, effective parenting will remain a pipe dream and it creates a gap that degenerates into strife, disloyalty, quarrel, and many other vices. The role of motherhood is a mix of many different roles. Different “hats” are required from mothers at different times and in different circumstances. These demand quality time from you to be spent on your family. Spending time with your family doesn’t imply using all your time with them, the emphasis is – balance. We must realise that if it is not done, we might be laying foundation for future regrets and pain.

Am I saying this will be easy? Absolutely not! It is a huge responsibility that requires lots of sacrifices. The relevance of a woman requires a good understanding of the purpose of marriage in the first instance and also the role of children in our lives. The purpose of marriage stem from the understanding that God instituted it. Therefore, it takes God’s guiding principles to make it succeed. Secondly, parents are only stewards and not owners, and the person with an ownership mindset have tendencies to take some decisions without reckoning with God’s position on the subject.

When loving and respecting their father, it is entrenched in them, loving and respecting their own spouses is a given. Seeing it from this perspective changes your configuration and make sure that work doesn’t take you away from your role in the life of your children. The role of motherhood is a mix of many different roles. Different “hats” are required from mothers at different times and in different circumstances. These demand quality time from you to be spent on your family. Spending time with your family doesn’t imply using all your time with them, the emphasis is – balance. We must realise that if it is not done, we might be laying foundation for future regrets and pain.