MARRIAGE GAPS | Sex | How is My Wife Seeing It? |
I entered into the marriage relationship thinking sex was physical and was about releasing the emotional tension I felt within whenever the need arose. Whenever I had the urge to have sex, my focus was usually on satisfying my desires without necessarily being sensitive to my wife’s needs. I saw the whole thing in line with my wiring, and I expected it to play out exactly same way.
As we progressed in our marriage and consequently, our sexual life, I realized that it is not all about me but both of us. I didn’t learn this lesson until I was rebuked on few occasions; “I am not a robot! I am a human being with emotions” my wife said, rather exasperated. There were occasions where I ‘pounced’ on my wife, ready for action, fully aroused, without considering her state of mind, whether she was sleeping or not, the type of caressing she preferred at that time, until she busted out about my insensitivity.
A lot of people are unaware of the basic sexual needs of a woman like; affection, communication, honesty, openness, financial security and family commitment. However, it is one thing to know these needs; it is a different ball game how they play out in marriage. I matured in my experience to realize that the way she sees things is quite different from mine. You never get to enjoy or maximize sexual intercourse with your wife until you pay attention to the following views of hers. These views form the basis on which her needs are built:
1. When you are in the habit of pouncing on her as if she is a robot.
Women are Sexual beings, not Sexual objects. Women generally are emotional beings. They are wired to act on emotions and sentiments most of the time. Affection is the key word. Emotions are not switches that have two preset positions of ON and OFF. You don’t switch your wife on instantaneously. Rather her emotions thrive on words. The choice of words used determines the height of emotional response you get from her. Positive, affirming, inspiring, soft spoken and sexy words will fire her emotions on to your advantage.
Men are generally stimulated by sight. You’ve got to have control and mastery over your sexual urge when it comes coursing through your body, or else, you will find yourself fierce and mechanical in your approach. You need to get it straight, that your wife is not a mechanical (sexual) object, but a sexual being that is aroused by some or all of these; sweet talks, caressing, kissing, words that communicate she is valued, loved and needed. Pouncing on her may result in less than ideal reaction from her. I like to say watch it! Be wise!! Be sensitive!!!
2. If there are unresolved issues.
The Mind MUST be cleared of offences or issues before clearance is granted. You need to realize that any unresolved issue will impact negatively on her sexual willingness. An angry state of mind will halt any possible arousal that might want to come up. I’ve had my rushing emotions dashed a few times when I was strongly aroused, and I thought pending issues could easily be put aside for us to engage in the act of love-making. Those few times were never pleasant experiences because I was literally cut off at the height of my sexual arousal, and that was usually very painful. I soon came to the understanding that unsettled scores are to be resolved before advances are made.
3. When she is tired, either from work, business or overwhelming activities with the children, then she is tired.
Fatigue must be out of the way.When your wife is stressed due to work or business, part of her emotions is drained. There are some couples I know that battled with this. While the husband had flexibility of time, the wife left home early to return late in the night. At the end of the day, fatigue sets in for the woman and her emotional bank account was drained. While the husband who had flexibility of time would still have some level of freshness, be active, and more frequently interested in love making, the wife would be stressed out. This was a running battle for a while until I was invited to intervene.
I remember when we lived at Ikorodu (a town on the outskirts) in Lagos and had to spend an average of four hours as travel time every day. The detailed story is given in the sense portal post titled; “Wisdom for Gainful living I & II”. This really affected our sexual life and reduced it to nothing but mere sex, it wasn’t love making. Sex is just penetrating with little or no time to fully savor the experience while love making is more of the total experience that gets both parties to the point of orgasm (a place of ecstasy and fulfillment). This lingered for some years until we moved to a location closer to our individual work place. Our sexual life is totally different now, I leave the rest to your imagination. As long as the fatigue factor lingers, maximum enjoyment of your sexual experience will remain a mirage. If you are currently at this phase, you need to discuss and agree with each other on how you will spend your weekends or free days in order to maximize your sexual experience.
4. When you are not looking fresh; shower, brush your teeth and put on a nice fragrance to be desirable as many times as possible.
Exhibiting sweet Fragrance from your body is very essential for love making. The more pleasant your body smells, the more the chances of your feeling wanted. The more offensive you smell, the more the repelling force from you. Even when you go ahead, you don’t get to have the full enjoyment of it.
5. Insensitivity to her moods per time.
Sensitivity to her mood is important.Being sensitive is being able to put yourself in her shoes and see things from her perspective. When she is not in the right frame of mind, which could be caused by a number of factors, you are quick to note and respond to the mood change in her favor. This doesn’t provide a licence for the wife to now toy with the husband’s emotions unnecessarily.
6. When you don’t understand that love making is more than penetration. That it involves the totality of the event (sweet talks, touching, caressing, kissing, before penetration).
What does love making entail?Inability to master the act of sex causes strain and anger between husband and wife. The act of penetration in sexual intercourse is the final part of love making. Sweet talks, touching, caressing, kissing, speaking romantic words depicting being wanted are preludes that build up to the height of sexual fulfillment. This happens at different levels from person to person due to different levels of experience. Whatever level you are, it will improve over time if you desire and commit to improving it. This is important because the husband and the wife need to experience orgasm (The place of ecstasy and fulfillment) about the same time. Usually the man gets there faster than the woman and the woman needs time to build up to that point. When this happens consistently, the woman is left out of the enjoyment, and over time can make the woman seek for sexually fulfilling experience from another source.
I will advise you don’t see each of these highlighted points as a task to overcome, but as a reality that you have to study, discuss and find a way around in order to have a loving and fulfilling sexual experience. The wiring of a woman sees six (6) while the wiring of a man sees nine(9) as an inverted six(6). Your wife’s needs and language is totally different from your own needs and language. Beauty will only be realized when you identify the uniqueness of your needs and how you can have them integrated into your wife’s needs. If it is well managed, it is such a beautiful experience that makes the two of you progressively desirous of each other.
The next post will look at the perspective of the man which also forms the basis for his sexual needs. Afterwards, we shall look at how to deal with these differences in order to have an enjoyable and fulfilling time together as spouses.
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When you are not aware of your different wiring and approach to sex, it creates friction instead of lubricating the relationship. Check the new post on "How is My Wife Seeing It".