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MARRIAGE GAPS | Sex | How is My Husband Seeing It?

Posted by : Dele Agbogun Posted date : July 31, 2013 In Marriage 0

The last post focused on the wife’s perspective on sexual intercourse. It was established that there are damaging consequences if the man is immature to handle these sexual differences successfully. The same way, you never get to succeed or enjoy sexual intercourse with your husband if you lack the necessary maturity.

This post is looking at the other side of sexual intercourse, that is, the perspective of the man. How is your husband seeing it from his own viewpoint? The following points are the premises on which the man’s sexual desire is built:

1. The ego syndrome.

Men want to be admired and respected. If your husband is not politely spoken to, he interprets it as disrespect. He also sees it as loosing grip of control of things in the house. Some men resort to extramarital affair in which they seem to get more attention and admiration than they get at home, while some use similar attitude as a way of paying back. When a man sees himself in this light, it takes a toll on his sexual drive at home. There were occasions I felt my wife spoke in a way I didn’t like, just at the point of advancing for sexual intercourse. These experiences were not funny at all. I asked myself, “why coming up with this now?” Sometimes, I painfully withdrew, and turned to face the opposite direction. And some other instances, I put my clothes back on, moved from the room to the sitting room, and got myself involved in unplanned ventures(reading, twitting, watching movies or just pondering over the issue). It’s funny, isn’t it? Well those who have been in my shoes will relate very well to this. Wives need to understand this, so as to mitigate such occurrence.

2. If the Husband feels he has to always beg before he can succeed with love making.

If the husband feels his wife is using sex to bring him to his knees, he gets turned off. My wife really doesn’t use this against me. But I am aware it exists in some homes. Where this happens, depending on the husband’s nature, he can be pushed out to other ladies who are willing to get into his world. Some husbands may develop resentment because they feel why must I always beg for what supposed to take place naturally. Some men sometimes feel they are acting on dictated timeline for love making. Wives need to understand that there are other measures available to get your husband do things you desire of him. Fine, it might work initially, but it will not last. Remember, you are into a life time commitment. Sooner or later, what seems to produce results for you will become counterproductive, and this can have damaging consequences. Except for once in a while when you are tired or not in the right frame of mind, don’t use this as a method of making your husband submit to your desires.

3. If your husband perceives that you are using sexual intercourse as bait to get things from him.

Husbands and wives are supposed to be best of friends, having each other’s interests
at heart, being there to support each other and also see whatever they have as theirs, not belonging to just one person. When using sexual intercourse as bait in a marriage, I sometimes wonder on what foundation the relationship is built. Whatever your background, giving in marriage should be natural, fulfilling and delightful. In the event that a husband perceives that it is at the point of sexual intercourse that things leave his hands to the wife, the issue of trust becomes a serious matter. This has the potential of making your husband feels manipulated. The larger picture should be put in perspective. You may like to ask yourself at this stage which outcome you prefer in your marriage; “Immediate gains and subsequent loss of trust or natural flow of exchange through giving that is built on trust over time?”

4. Making comparison with past relationship(s) you had before you got married.

Men generally have a different approach to life and marriage. Comparison between your husband and other men has a way of affecting your marriage. If you had been sexually involved in your previous relationships before you abstained from sex before marriage due to a different orientation, you have to be careful in your new home. The experience with one man is obviously going to be different from that of another man. Now that you have turned a new leaf and have decided to remain faithful and dedicated to your marriage, then you have to embrace what you have now. If things you once loved are missing, then you can have a discussion with your husband. You can make your sexual desires known to him. But if comparison is made, you may cause the man to begin to feel inadequate or unable to satisfy you. And you will open an unfriendly air of contention and hate. This usually has a great toll on the man and has a high potential of affecting his sex drive.

When the above listed dynamics in a man are addressed adequately, the issue of sexual fulfilment; attractiveness, admiration and respect become easier. Dealing with these foundational twists enhances your sexual fulfillment.

Remember, your perspective of an issue as six (6) is correct and his own perspective of it being nine (9) is also correct. What makes the alignment possible is your understanding, maturity (psychologically, spiritually), and ability to see the big picture (operating in the larger picture). The differences are just to let you know that our wiring and approaches are different due to our different upbringing (Culture, environment and beliefs). These factors have ripple effects on our sexual orientation. This diversity MUST be well managed with great understanding in order to experience a fulfilling, sustainable and great ecstasy in our sexual intercourse.