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INFIDELITY | Singles Experience

Posted by : Dele Agbogun Posted date : December 24, 2014 In Marriage 0

Infidelity seems more akin to couples than to singles. But having gone through over twelve(12) years of experience in marital affairs, I have realised that singles are also prone to engage in the act of infidelity, hence the promiscuous lifestyle practised before marriage will also be exhibited when married.

Without much ado, this article intends to focus on the possible lifestyles of singles before marriage as it relates to infidelity. There is saying that states, “You cannot give what you don’t have”. The Implication here is: You cannot exhibit character traits you don’t have. You only display the ones that have been imbibed. This therefore suggests that the lifestyle displayed in marriage is largely due to the spouse’s lifestyle lived before marriage and this is very true to a large extent. When the previously lived lifestyle is brought into the family life, then problems are bound to erupt if it’s a negative one. However, it might likely not be the same experience for someone who lived similar lifestyle but had such lifestyle changed tremendously before getting married.

Now the question here is, what sort of lifestyles are we talking about?

1. Double dating: This type of lifestyle keeps more than one relationship per time.

2. The type of lifestyle that is constantly sexually involved with ladies/men before marriage.

3. The type of lifestyle that doesn’t understand what marriage is all about.

4. The type of lifestyle that doesn’t value relationship between opposite sex.

5. The type of lifestyle accumulated due to a polygamous background/setting with the mentality that nothing is wrong with having more than one wife.

6. The type of lifestyle which believes that hurts incurred from marital issues is best revenged by engaging in extra marital affair.

7. The lifestyle that has been eaten deep by a bug of infatuation and fantasy.

One or more of these lifestyles are traits you may notice in individuals who are still in their singlehood. If at the moment, you exhibit any of these traits as a single, you have to handle it with lots of determination and discipline before you get married. The notion that singles will change when they are married is sheer fallacy. What evolved into a habit and then became a lifestyle cannot be stopped instantly. It will require a long process of time to get the desired outcome.

Preventive Steps To Curb Such Habits

1. Admit that these traits are inherent, and then understand what the possible consequences look like in marriage. The admittance, realisation and understanding will go a long way in curtailing such lifestyle before marriage.

2. Resolve to be faithful to only one person in your relationship. I have often heard young men made unbelievable statements such as sampling ladies in order to finally decide the one to settle down with. Ladies are not inanimate objects that can be used, but real flesh and blood with emotions and feelings. As a young man, a better way to see this is to ask yourself, Is there a guy out there that included my sister as one of the ladies to be sampled? How will you feel? Livid, right? In fact, i believe the word SAMPLE is an annoying word to anyone’s hearing in the first place.

3. Purpose: Decide that the purpose of going into relationship is not because of sex. Sex is actually one of the factors that marriage constitutes. It’s superficial to have such mind set. It’s like saying i will marry this person because of his/her physical beauty. The truism is that after you might have gotten married to such person, you will find out much sooner than expected that character, maturity and value system play vital roles in marital fulfilment. Physique will obviously change over the years when ageing and all set in. Take for instance, when your wife starts having children, she begins to add excess weight and gradually appears fat and shapeless against the curvaceous body that initially captured your heart. What an interesting scenario!

4. Ensure you have a complete view and understanding of what relationship and marriage concept is all about before stepping into its world. You need to understand the objectives of marriage against societal norms.

5. Respect For Relationship: You’ve got to respect and have high value for the various kinds of relationships in your life. The person with little or no value for life and people will in the same way not give value and respect to marriage relationship.

6. Resolve not to be the kind of person that will use vengeance as a tool in paying back your partner in his/her coin. Even when you are hurting you have to display high level of maturity with a good handle on conflict resolution. Resolving real issues and not bringing persons into the issue.

7. You have to be sure that there is genuine love for the person you intend to get married to. Your decision should not be based only on status, influence or other external features. It must be the love that transcends chemistry. Certainly, chemistry will fizzle out over time, but love based on decision will survive the long haul in marriage.

8. The fact that you are from a polygamous family does not mean you have to dwell on and follow the trends in such families but focus on the happy nuclear homes and draw strength, understanding and inspiration from them. The fact that it’s a reality you were born into a polygamous home doesn’t mean you have to tread the same part. This is because such trend makes having affair with more than one person seem normal.

This write-up has sufficiently helped in making you realise that infidelity doesn’t just happen in marriages only, it happens among singles due to the fact that there are elements brought into the marriage from previous lifestyle. Until this is adequately dealt with before marriage, it will be difficult to handle after getting married. It is far more than mere decision to stop the act overnight. It’s a gradual and deliberate process before marriage for anyone who falls into any of the stated lifestyles above.

Living this lifestyle and pretending or assuming all will be well without doing anything about it is like saying that you will not grow old. At this juncture, I will therefore advice that you make conscious effort towards correcting and improving on any of the traits you can trace to yourself.

Someone might say, i am not certain or convinced i have any of the traits. The questions below will help you identify whether or not such traits exist in your life. Make sure you are honest in answering the questions. It will be the only way you can tell you have them or not. It is self assessment and nobody has to know about it.

1. I am in more than one relationship at the moment. Yes No

2. In the relationship i am in at the moment, if my partner jilts me,

i will not mind doing something irrational to hurt back.

Yes No

3. I really don’t see anything wrong with marrying more than one wife.

Yes No

4. I really don’t see anything wrong with keeping an extra relationship

outside of my marriage. Yes No

5. I don’t have a good understanding of what marriage is all about.

Yes No

6. Most of my friends have more than one lady or guy in their love lives

Yes No

7. When i see any handsome guy or beautiful lady, (as the case may relate to you), i find it difficult to take my eyes off the person. Yes No

8. I don’t easily entertain a contrary opinion on relationship matters

even when it seems more logical than mine. Yes No

9. I believe ladies are meant to play more of silent roles in marriage

Yes No

10.I believe sex has to be tested before marriage in order to confirm

compatibility and fertility. Yes No

Instructions:

1. Add up total number of yes.

2. Add up total number of no

3. Add zero behind the numbers.

4. What you have represent the percentage.

RESULTS

1. The percentage of YES indicates the degree to which you are vulnerable to be involved in infidelity act when you marry.

2. The percentage of NO indicates the degree to which you can handle the tendencies of infidelity act when you marry.

The fact that you fall under the yes category doesn’t mean it cannot be changed. The only thing is that the change will happen in the proportion to which you are willing to go. If nothing is done about it, the chances of cheating your spouse when you are married is represented by the percentage you scored in the questionnaire.

Secondly, the fact that you had a high score in the NO category is not a guarantee that you cannot be a victim. What it just meant was for you to continually be conscious of its possibility in marriage and check the type of company you keep.

You will succeed!

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mail@senseportal.org, Twitter: @deleagbogun, Facebook: Dele Agbogun