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INFIDELITY | Handling Infidelity In Marriage

Posted by : Dele Agbogun Posted date : December 3, 2014 In Marriage 0

The modus operandi of handling a cheating spouse can be classified into two approaches. The first deals with a situation whereby the unfaithful partner becomes remorseful and willing to make things work.

The second approach is the case whereby the cheating partner remains unrepentant while the party being cheated is willing to take certain steps people might term to be illogical or foolish in resolving the problem.

Nonetheless, in the latter approach, I will highlight possible factors that might likely be the reasons why the person is involved in infidelity. If any of the highlighted factor(s) is/are responsible, there is a high chance of resolving the problem by the person that is being cheated. I will conclude by giving healthy approach to adopt in order to enhance the chances of reconciliation.

In the event that the cheating spouse is remorseful and willing to make things work out, handling the cheated spouse becomes relatively easier since the unfaithful partner owns up that he or she was involved in infidelity act, and is willing to stop the act.

Oftentimes, the experience of having a spouse cheats has serious emotional implication. When you discover such act, it puts you in a position of sheer anguish, anger, distrust, humiliation and disappointment. This part seems difficult to imagine, especially in the case of the person being cheated. Your mind constantly laser-guides your spouse; you can’t just help thinking of who he/she is with when you are not together. This usually happens when the person is considering giving room for second chance.

In the midst of all of these experiences, you may ask, what is the best way out of this hurt? Some measures are hereby listed below.

1. Allow God to step in to heal your heart: At this stage, you may want to take decision that is considered best but it is not what you can easily or logically handle. Logically assessing this, you might want to do the unthinkable which is quite understandable. One thing i have realised over time is that it doesn’t often end well. The drastic and emotionally-driven decisions are usually disastrous, making things uglier than they were.

2. You will give yourself time for the healing process: Imagine someone mistakenly stepping on a sharp nail and got his/her foot pierced by the nail. During that moment of removing the nail, a raw pain is experienced. Even after the nail is out, the pains still lingers. The joy of it is that the healing process starts from that point on. The fact that the pain still exists is not a proof that healing has not begun. The wound will go through its natural healing process and be nursed over time, and then it will gradually heal. A medical practitioner once told me that when someone has nasal congestion known as catarrh, there is a way it runs its natural course. No matter the drugs you use, though may bring a bit of comfort, the catarrh will still run its course.

3. Assess the situation objectively: This might be difficult to do, especially when the incidence is still fresh. But there is no how evaluation will not be necessary. I know of a couple who had this experience. The man cheated on the wife and when the case got to me, all my questioning revealed that the guy has been starved of sex for a prolonged period. Am i encouraging married men to fall into similar temptation when wives starve them? Absolutely not! None of such should be used as justification for such action.

Looking at the flip side of this story, i will implore married ladies who indulge in this unhealthy practice to be careful. You cannot predict how long your husband can stretch before bulging. Two major reasons have been made known; busy schedule and not sexually active. My sound advice is that just as your work is sometimes tiring, but still carry out your official obligation towards your employer, just to live above board; in the same vein, make sex a priority, especially when you have a sexually active husband. This discuss tilt more towards the married men, but i have seen cases where it is the other way round.

When this assessment is carried out, it tends to give you a reason to give room for second chance.

4. Forgiveness: Forgiving heart is the key therefore, it’s very necessary. I know this will also take time, but it is the antidote for depression and bitterness towards the cheating spouse.

Examining the second approach, some people do not willingly get involved in infidelity act. The marriage relationship usually starts out well, however, few months or years down the line, one party or both starts to depict certain behavioural patterns that do not augur well with the other party. What I realized from the experience is that each behavioural pattern that is not well managed worsens the state of the relationship. This sometimes makes one of the party takes a rash decision of getting back at his/her partner through the act of infidelity. I usually ask; “Did this person succeed in his/her quest of hurting the partner?” The answer is yes. What becomes of the home afterwards? It is usually agonizing. It breaks the hearts of their partners. I ask further; “Does this sound like the best approach to use?” In my opinion, i don’t think so, irrespective of what the other partner had done.

My encounters with people with this approach has clearly revealed the following as contributory factors of encouraging the other person to get involved in infidelity act.

1. Denying or starving your spouse of sex.

2. Poor communication between husband and wife.

3. Consistent disagreements without healthy conclusions.

4. The habit of discussing private issues in the home with outsiders considered to be friends.

5. Unnecessary nagging.

6. Critical in most things that happen in the home.

7. Poor expression of love towards each other.

There are ways that can help deal with the stated traits above. Adopting these ways in your home will require the following from you:

1. High level of maturity(Check post on Immaturity- http://www.senseportal.org/2013/10/maturity-how-grown-are-you.html).

2. Focus on the important matter: Your focus should be on real issues and not on your partner’s flaws.

3. Good listening skill: Human nature tends to hear self quite often without deliberately listening to the other party.

4. Flexibility in your mind and positive approach to issues: The need to accommodate opposing views and opinions of your spouse. You are wired differently with different training and experiences.

5. Willingness to let go of old ways of doing things: Sticking to your way of doing things can aggravate quarrel between you and your spouse. The unresolved quarrel can engender strife and make one party to be involved in infidelity.

6. Willingness and maturity to say sorry most of the time, even when you are not at fault in the argument or disagreement.

Whichever category you find yourself, handling infidelity positively should be your priority, especially when you are interested in experiencing a life long relationship. It is my prayer that if you are entangled by it, the wisdom and the will power needed to get out of it in one piece will be available to you.
The next article will focus on how best to rebuild the shattered trust from an infidelity act.

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