For the outcome of conflict handling to be positive, good management is critical. The good management requires maturity in understanding and handling. It is not as easy as it sounds. But if your vision is to have a lasting home, then it is the route to take, giving it all necessary compromises required to get it right. Achieving the balance between individual opinions is where the real work lies.

The followings are possible outcomes of good management;

• It leads to growth and maturity. My wife and I disagreed on more issues years back than we do today. We started out about fourteen years ago by making a resolution that whatever issues we have; we will wrestle them until we have victory in the home. One major agreement we had was to make sure issues are not allowed to escalate outside the four walls of our home. The interesting thing about this whole picture is that, when you are able to resolve one issue, you have succeeded in knocking out of the way one factor capable of ruining your home. This gives you understanding and mastery over similar occurrences later on in the future. It truly makes you mature and also helps strengthen your relationship. I have seen cases where couples interpret conflict more on the negative side than seeing it as a process of growth and maturity. You must work on your mind to see resolution in the midst of conflict between you and your spouse. If you cannot see it, it will really be difficult to give the needed sacrifice to experience the growth and peace you really desire.
• Opens your eyes to the need to change in your marriage. When you repeatedly do the same thing and you repeatedly hit a wall, common sense should suggest that you need changes in your approach to get it right. One common trend earlier on in my marriage was ‘my silence’ when we have disagreements; due to our different personality types. I am predominantly Phlegmatic and Melancholy while she is Choleric and Sanguine. Her personality type want issues resolved now, but I want to take my time to process it before responding. The time lapse was a major issue for us because by the time I was ready, she was already very angry with me. I had to make deliberate effort over the years to cut down on the time lapse, though not up to her expectation, there has been a great improvement. All these happened because I saw the need for me to change. When she saw the effort from my end, it showed her that I was sensitive to her concern rather than generating more issues by my long silence.

• It raises your level of tolerance to opposing views. Over time, you realize that there are certain things you can change, while some change to some extent, for others there is little or nothing you can do to make a change. There was a phrase I once heard “Irreconcilable Differences, a Blessing”. The way you see it will affect your attitude. If you are bent on forcing the change, some of them will only inflict pain and frustration on you. When you experience certain differences in your spouse that you cannot change, you should see it as an added flavor to your home. After all, we cannot all have same approach to everything in life.

Tolerance becomes the tool you need to accommodate each other’s seeming excesses. Am I suggesting excesses that will affect your peace, joy and bond of unity should be ignored, absolutely not?

There will be a serious need for both of you to discuss this with an open mind. Pride, immaturity and insensitivity MUST be avoided. I have to mediate between couples when resolving conflicts. I observed that when cases are very naughty to resolve, pride, immaturity and insensitivity are major contributing factors. You can always force a horse close to where water is, but you cannot force the horse to drink the water. The same is true here. You can always help with perspectives and understanding, but the parties involved are ultimately responsible to accommodate each other. This will determine the outcome of the home.

I will conclude the good management outcomes of conflict in the next article. Till I come your way next time, always remember that you can experience bliss in your relationship.