It was about a month to my wedding in July 2002, when I realised with a big surprise; the rate of disagreements and conflicts with my intended spouse. I noticed each time there was a decision to make, we would have divergent opinions. With each disagreement, the person whose recommendation was not followed felt slighted. At some point, I thought to myself; “Is this how our marriage will be like?” I must confess that she did not get to know these feelings of mine until few years into our marriage. I can categorically say to you that you are not alone. The sustaining strength was the conviction and assurance I had at the onset of our relationship. Relationships fail when there is no conviction and assurance at the start of a relationship. If you don’t have something to hold on to as an anchor or assurance for the relationship, it will be difficult to sustain it.
After our wedding, I realized it is actually an on-going trend with dynamics, changing over time as your level of maturity increases. The fact that there are opposing views explains the gaps usually experienced in marriage. Success in your family life will most likely reflect in other areas of your life.
Sometimes, people wonder; “why is my wife/husband acting up?”, “why has he/she suddenly become a different person?”. The truth is no one changes overnight, it is the inability to manage the differences that exist between husbands and wives that actually degenerate over time. Conflict itself is not bad. It is how you manage it that matters the most.
Let us run through some of the factors that leads to conflicts*
Factors responsible for conflicts in Marriage:
Inability to Manage Opposing Views:Conflict is the open, hostile opposition occurring as a result of different viewpoints between husbands and wives. There is a need to understand that while disagreement has to do with different opinions; hostility goes further to hurting your spouse. There is no relationship that is immune to potential conflicts.
Selfish Desires and Passions: In conflicts, the emphasis is always on self. We tend to focus on “me” and “mine” – my ideas, my rights and my feelings. In conflicts, our conversations are saturated with statements that promote, protect and draw attention to ourselves.
Psychological Immaturity:This makes individuals petty and then magnifies trivialities; majoring on the minor issues and paying little or no attention to the major issues concerning their lives. This also makes the individuals susceptible to external influences, whereby they run their lives based on what others think or say about them.
I will be considering conflict resolution from four angles.
a. Understand the essence of conflict in marriage relationships.
b. Outcomes of bad management.
c. Outcomes of good management, finally.
d. Dealing with it.
Marriages where spouses claim absence of conflict are a display of deceit. The flip side of this is having a mind-set that “Conflicts are absurd things to happen in Marriages”. The issues that give rise to conflicts in a marriage relationship are not as imperative as how the individuals involved manage them. There are instances where trivialities in some relationships lead to big problems, whereas in others, serious problems at the end of the day are successfully resolved.
Your understanding and perspective to conflict related matters goes a long way to determine success in your home. Conflicts could either make or mar a marriage relationship, depending on the level of maturity of the parties involved. My personal experience will be used as we go along with this series.
Until the next article comes your way, always remember that you can experience marital bliss in your home.
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