BEFORE YOU SAY I DO | Vitals
This series has successfully addressed the multi-faceted premarital relationship from different angles, and has made useful information available. This information, IF adhered to will increase the chances of your marital success. The different views of relationship defines how quintessential a pre-marital relationship could be. It also provided salient details of how it works. Really, It is such an interesting journey.
In addendum, the vitals have been highlighted to further make the knowledge gained through this article work out successfully in your marriage relationship.
1. The need to maintain flexibility: Flexibility in your mind, approaching and entertaining your partner’s opinion play vital roles when in the success of a pre-marital relationship. The sooner it dawns on you that you are not alone again, the better it will be. There must be conscious effort on the part of both parties taking into full cognizance the coming together of two different individuals with different upbringings, mindsets and possibly different cultures. The deception sometimes is that people want to see who they are in the other person. They fail to understand that if that happens, one party is not being sincere about his or her true nature or character. Another gross deception is that despite the fact that you are aware that your worldviews and idiosyncrasies are quite different from each other; still you expect changes to happen suddenly. What took decades to evolve cannot be changed or adjusted overnight. However, some might ultimately change, some can change to an extent and some have to live with it for the rest of their lives.
This flexibility MUST be ready to accommodate all of these.
2. The display of maturity psychologically and spiritually: The sufficient grace to overlook some trivial matters. You need to understand that it is not every wrong act from your partner you hammer on. Insignificant issues that doesn’t rock the foundation of your home can be overlooked. If you insist on having your way, you might actually have it. But then, you need to ask yourself, Is having my way the priority or experiencing a lasting relationship in my home? Is having frackers of paramout importance to me or to sacrifice some of my ways in order to foster understanding, maturity and unity?
3. The display of objectivity against sentiments: Emotion should not be allowed to take the place of objectivity and logic, especially when it comes to important decision making that borders on your marital success. Most times, objectivity requires taking an intricate path. You should not cut corners by making lesser effort or going through less disciplined process based on sentiment if it is not the best way to go. The success of marriage requires you to act against your natural intention just to satisfy your partner. Letting go of your conventional way of doing things, and doing what NEED to be done to maintain and sustain happiness in the home is the approach to be adopted.
4. The need to have a mind of your own: Having a mind of your own in this regard does not infer you disregard others’ opinions or views. It implies not being swayed from one side to the other to the extent that you become confused as to making firm decisions.
5. Understanding that God instituted marriage: The level of information you are exposed to will reflect in the way you handle marital issues. If you believe God originated marriage, then you will pay full attention to “His” own opinion in every area of your life in that home.
6. Mutual understanding: There is no how the two parties will arrive at the same destination successfully if there is no concerted effort to agree on, and align with individual opinion and aspiration. The few occasions where agreements seem difficult to achieve, one party MUST let go if peace is to be maintained. Bear it in mind that your opinion will not always be taken. You should be willing to show respect sometimes for your partner’s views.
7. Trust : Trust MUST be given its highest place in your relationship. Give your partner ALL the benefits of doubt until proven otherwise. In instances that it proves otherwise, you should try to give another chance, especially if there is genuine remorse and willingness to change on your partner’s part.
8. Vision: Having a lucid picture or vision of what your family life would look like helps you prune the rough edges that are not healthy for that perfect home you are planning to build. Someone once said that if you don’t stand for something, you will fall for everything. Having a vision for your intending family will help at a great deal.
i. Management of external interference: People will have certain experiences working for them. They have opinions that seemed to have worked for them. They will attempt to sell these experiences to you. Your sharp-cut vision will help filter the principles and allows you to adapt it to your unique home. As a balanced and matured adult, avoid nagging your partner with impractical statements like, “This is how my father or mother does her things”. What you are unconsciously telling your partner is to be married to your mother or father. Most of the times, it might not go down well with your partner.
ii. Measure how well you are doing. It will help you see the progress or regress that is taking place in the home. For instance, agreement on the number of children to have, the choice of place/location to live in, the choice of car you want to buy, the type of accommodation you want to live in, how long you intend to spend in a rented apartment before having your own, the choice of school your children will go to, and the list goes on and on. Later on, after you might have advanced in years, you are able to evaluate between what is stated and where you are.
iii. Get to that point of fulfilment, especially when things are working out exactly the way you planned it out. In the same vein, if things are not going the way you planned it, it helps you detect the trend and thus inform you of necessary steps to take in order to re-evaluate and realign appropriately.
It is my prayer that before you say i do, you will put every issue and factor into proper perspective and take the necessary steps objectively before going ahead. One wrong decision in your family life has the ability to make or mar what has been built over the decades. It has the great potential to frustrate and put someone in a revengeful position. It also has the ability to make someone sink into depressed and hurtful state. When this happened, it projects the beauty and the essence of family life wrongly. And this has a way of becoming psychologically cancerous to the point where it forms the thought pattern of people who experienced it, and also the people who live around those that experienced it.
These vitals, the same way doctors use stethoscope to check the essential organ in human body will help put check and balance on the essentials in your relationship life.
These vitals, the same way doctors use stethoscope to check the essential organ in human body will help put check and balance on the essentials in your relationship life.
It is to this end this series became a burden in my heart which strongly necessitated the need to put it out there in the information portal for those concerned in the global community.
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Thank you so much Pastor Dele Agbogun , i appreciate all that you have written here i am blessed. Thank you. I have sent you sms but i have not received any reply sir .