BEFORE YOU SAY I DO| The Place of Courtship In A Relationship
Courtship is a period during which two people of the opposite sex say yes to a relationship that they both agree will lead to marriage. The duration of the courtship vary with the individuals involved depending on the age and state of readiness. The concepts explained in the previous article go a long way to explain why some people go through preparatory sessions for marriage while others don’t.
In this article I will shed more light on the role a preparatory session plays in courtship.
When I look at the relationship dynamics generally, people desire to have good and successful relationships without the readiness to give it the desired level of commitment. What this translates into is described in different ways below;
1. This is like a student attempting to obtain a certificate without actually going through the required academic criteria of the school.
2. Expecting to get a secondary colour without mixing two primary colours together.
3. Refusing to eat healthy meal and expecting to live a healthy life.
4. Attempting to use an electrical device without the supply of power to the device.
5. Expecting to harvest healthy crops without proper cultivation.
What some people do during this period are merely fun related activities. Some people use the period to leverage on either of the partner’s influence and connections. Some are more sexually involved with each other. Some have no specific purpose besides the fact that they have been enlisted among those in a relationship.
It is because of these that the impact of the role of courtship during the preparatory sessions becomes essential to note.
1. It helps parties get to understand each other better. It helps you to identify the makeup and tendencies of your intending spouse. This will in turn help in your decision to either stay in the relationship or not.
2. It helps you identify your partner’s interests and vision in life. Your interests play an important role in deciding how successful your relationship will be. When you have conflicts of interests, you will always be in disagreements as long as those interests differ. The more harmonised your interests, the more compatible you will be. And the more compatible your interests, the more likely you will experience success in your relationship. It ultimately tests your compatibility status.
3. It helps you clarify your initial conviction that made you say yes to the relationship. This period helps you re-assess your choice objectively and not subjectively. The time frame between when you say yes and the wedding day affords you the opportunity to reconsider before signing in for a life time project.
4. It affords you the opportunity to get to know the trend in the family lineage you are about getting into. The decision to submit yourself to a relationship that is intended to end in marriage should go beyond your intending partner. It should go beyond your knowledge of the person alone. It should include the person’s parents, sibling(s) and the seeming trend that goes on in the family. You don’t want to get committed to a marriage you suddenly discover is characterised by negative trends (Mental cases, diabetes, high blood pressure, and culture driven instead of principle driven). It is better you are aware but feel convinced to go ahead than discovering after you have made a covenant commitment to the marriage. You are better prepared with what you know than with what you are ignorant of.
5. It gives you the opportunity to test the readiness of your intending spouse. Maturity is very important in any successful marriage. This period will reveal the psychological and spiritual state of your intending spouse. It serves as a meter gauge for your intending partner. The person’s level of responsibility, sensitivity, care, respect, honor, values are some of the traits this period will help you discover. This will further help you reduce your error margin about the choice of person you will eventually settle with.
I have heard of opinions like; I am old enough to decide what kind of life I want to live, It is my personal choice, I don’t want people to encroach on my private life, It is my life, this is the trend and so on. My desire here is not about debating opinions and decisions. It is simply a question of what do you desire in your relationship which is intended to end in marriage. Is it something you want to walk into before dealing with the issues that come with it or you want to deal with the issues to get you better prepared for a lasting marriage?
I have seen two months, four months, six months, one year, ten years, twenty five years marriages hit the rocks. This suggests that without conscious and deliberate effort put into a relationship, there is no guarantee that it will last a life time. This makes the place of courtship classes of utmost importance to the survival of your marriage.
How can I go about this?
I will suggest that you get a professional counsellor who has a good understanding of God’s position in every area of marriage (Finance, Communication, In-Laws, Gender characteristics, conflict resolutions, dynamics of sex, temperament role, parenting and so much more). You also need to be willing with a ready heart to unlearn and re-learn the right ways of a relationship which is intended for marriage.
Whoever intends to build a tower MUST first put all the variables into consideration and ask; Do I have all it takes (psychologically, financially, spiritual resources and maturity)?
Do I have the right reasons for coming into this relationship?
Relationship never dies a natural death, they are murdered by ego, attitude and ignorance(Marriage Counselling Quotes).
The next post will focus on marrying for the wrong reasons
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I definitely agree with this. People should really get to read this piece to understand the to-do list during courtship. I have picked up some points myself. Insightful piece Sir!