The crystal clear picture that comes readily to mind is our extreme caution when financial investments have to be made. This includes Investments in stocks, properties, or any form of business.
You will agree with me that you don’t just jump into it without first exercising due diligence. Why? You simply don’t want your money to be sucked away. You don’t want to incur a loss over your hard earned money. You don’t want to be seen as being naïve. If you align with such rational reasoning, why not exercise same level of due diligence in a relationship you will be committed to for the rest of your life. The truth is, the value you have for such relationship will determine how much commitment you will be willing to give.
In essence, it acutely explains why you need to really understand the concept of such relationships. The background check has proven to have a way of revealing a lot about the intending spouse. This is made possible only when objectivity and rationalty are given preference over sentiments and emotions. Looking at it objectively helps you see things the way they ought to be, and not only the way they are. It helps you see truth in the midst of facts presented before you. This is because not all facts are actually true.
Here are some of the factors, though not limited to, that you can consider when doing your background checks:
a. The vision the person carries: You will only go as far as you can see. Before you say I do, it’s expedient to know where the person is heading to in life. Some people are so pre-occupied with peripheral activities that will get them no where. They don’t have any purposeful plan for their future. I believe this information can make you think and re-think. I have realised that you have the tendency to attract anyone who will not challenge your weakness. You will agree with me that the person that will challenge your status quo is most likely to be among the people that will be suitable for you.
If you already have a purposeful end that you are working towards in mind, you most likely want to marry someone that equally has such end in mind too. This will help you from the onset without any sentiment, to ascertain whether you guys are heading towards similar or contrary direction. It informs you from the beginning whether it is the kind of relationship you can survive in or not.
b. Culture and belief system: The person in question coupled with his/her family’s cultural belief is another factor you have to take cognizance of. The traditional and the behavioral pattern of the family you intend to get into goes a long way in contributing to the successful of a home after the marriage ceremony.
Below are some typical instances of the cultural values and heritage of certain cultures:
i. The Yoruba culture permits all the siblings of the man to be referred to as our husband. And it is expected that the bride-to-be respects all the husband’s siblings whether older or younger than she is by kneeling down for them, regardless of the wide age difference. This further incorporates her into the culture.
ii. There are some cultures in some part of a country that see the wife-to-be as a house wife without the freedom to take up a white collar job. The belief is such a peculiar one that the woman is required to be in the house taking care of domestic issues and raising children.
iii. I have come across some cultures that believe strongly that if you are visiting the family, you MUST provide information beforehand, or else, you would be denied access into the family house, including meeting the parents and siblings.
iv. Religious mindsets: This culture believes in mediums to get things done, believes in praying and directly applying God’s word to make things happen, believes in possibility of being oppressed, believes in having the authority and control over situations and circumstances of life etc.
The cultural belief among other factors has to be checked. You may eventually discover that you are on the opposite side with the person you intend to get married to. This knowledge will guide you in making healthy choice at the end of the day.
c. Trail of strange events/ History ofailment. Example of these strange events/ailments are stated below:
High blood pressure,
Mental related issues
Instability in family history.
These are just some of the possible trails you would discover if due diligence is carried out before you say i do. It is important you get to know, and then decide whether you still want to forge ahead with the relationship or not than stepping into it ignorantly. When you have a sound knowledge of what you are up against, it prepares you adequately to know what kind of battles lies ahead of you IF you still decide you are going ahead with the marriage. Am i trying to get you scared? Absolutely not! It is good we have this needful information so that it gets us prepared psychologically. This is another vital check to look out for before you say i do.
d. Commitment to God: One can not measure commitment by how often one goes to worship centre. The person’s walk with God will determine his or her value in life. When this series began, i stated that it is hinged on the fact that God purposefully instituted marriage. Now, if God started marriage, it is very essential you gauge the person’s walk with God. The more of God’s involvement the person allows, the more likely he/she will run his or her home according to God’s design. The more of God’s pattern he/she follows in your home, the more predictable the success of the home will be.
Concurring to fellowship with youin your worship centre or attending his or her own worship centre is not synonymous to commitment to God. It is equally not the same as allowing God be the ultimate in your marital life. There is a saying that: “You can force a horse to a stream, but you cannot force the same horse to drink the water”. Being close to where water is doesn’t necessarily translate to drinking and getting refrehed by the water. In the same vein, being around God does not mean you have allowed him to be a part of your life. It is essential that you develop maturity, inculcate flexibility, allow the ability to walk through problems without necessarily losing your head, be more determined to give than only receive, cultivate the habit of forgiving and not judging, seeing each other from a complementary and not competing point of view, and resolve to making the marriage work. These and many more are the values God encouraged in marriage in order to experience success.
e. Opinions on the MUST talk about areas. What are these areas, you may ask? Some of the areas are briefly stated below according to Anne Smith(http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/healthy-connections/201112/10-points-you-must-review-you-get-married).
i. Who he or she is, and his or her relationship pattern. The person will largely live out his or her personality. You may ask yourself: What IF this person remained the way he or she is now for the rest of his or her life?
ii. Flexible personality: You are looking out for someone who can accommodate opposing views healthily. You want your discussions to reveal the flexibility nature of your intending spouse. You want to ascertain that the heart is not the type that is cast in stone.
iii. Objectivity: Looking beyond the chemistry or feelings in the relationship. You want to know whether your partner is driven only by emotions. You want to know whether your partner has the ability to love unconditionally, exactly the way you desire to be loved.
iv. Feedback: Getting honest and objective feedback from trusted key family members with proven results and testimony. You want the search light you are beaming to illuminate and help your decision have a wider scope with little or no dark spot.
Background check is similar to being interested in the quality of items that goes into making the foundation of a building. You don’t use the same quantity of materials for a two, three or high rise building. If you want to experience a lasting and satisfying marriage relationship, then you MUST be willing to imbibe and develop healthy values that were mentioned in the cause of this series. You should have an uncompromising stand with the series of information provided in this series.
The smiles expressed by husband and wife on their wedding day in many instances are not sustained in the marriage itself. What it takes to put up those smiles during wedding is usually different from what it takes to sustain them. You will need resolved mind and willingness to allow God in your marriage so as to make it work. Thus will strongly recommend that you go through and internalise the entire series to have a broader view and understanding of the concept of marriage BEFORE YOU SAY I DO.
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