In life there is always the law of “karma”, the law of cause and effect. Few weeks to our wedding in 2002, one of those occasions where I had felt I should respond “as a Man”, especially when I knew I was right, the situation got degenerated that I had to retract my stand and apologize before the matter got resolved. What I learned was the fact that;
“there will be instances when you will be right but will have to say sorry in order to maintain peace and sanity in your home”.
It must be noted however, that saying sorry is not an admittance of wrong; instead, it is a display of maturity. This understanding freed me from many other similar issues that could have caused similar, if not worse effect. Your approaches that usually bring differences between the two of you have to be reviewed and adjusted over time. You can no longer do things the way you’ve always done them before you got married. Bringing that attitude into the marriage is signing up for unending quarrels that ultimately result in major conflicts. I remember the proverb that says; “For you to do the same thing over and over and expect a different result is one of the definitions of insanity”.
Some of the outcomes of bad management are as follows;
Dwelling on and magnifying the faults and weaknesses of your spouse: Because of the selfish nature of humans, we see through our own strengths and are blinded to our weaknesses as individuals. What this translates into is seeing no problem from your own end but linking most of the faults to your spouse. The trivial matters that could easily have been resolved become big issues as you fail to see your part of the blame. There are instances where not admitting to a wrong, whether right or not, will lead to bigger arguments. When I ponder on similar experiences we had in the past, I realize that we were being childish then. Admittance of error doesn’t make anyone less than s/he is.
Creation of division between both parties: When views cannot be harmonized, each person stands on his/her own, and by so doing, creates two different structures within the marriage. Meanwhile, views are meant to be seen from the same stand point.
Atharva Veda gave two quotes worthy of note:
“We should work in unison and with co-operation because disunity leads to problems and failures”.
“No institution can function smoothly if there is disunity among its members.
When division sets in, synergy is sent out of the home, and consequently, limited success will be experienced.
Energies are expended on unproductive activities. Bad management of conflict simply leads to dissipation of energy with little or no results. This has the potential to create a hostile environment; making love, peace and harmony become difficult to express. The early years of our marriage witnessed some of these. I remember feeling drained and tired in certain occasions I felt hurt or angry. During such occasions, my logical reasoning was usually warped, thereby causing me indescribable pain within. This explains why activities you are involved in during the time of conflict are usually unproductive. I have witnessed cases where bad management draws on the emotion so badly that it results in health challenges (depression and high blood pressure). The energy needed to make meaningful progress in life are depleted on conflict matters, redefining your orientation about how marriage is only a necessary evil like some people have come to believe.
Strains in Relationship with in-laws. A single match stick has the potential to engulf an entire forest. A little yeast can leaven the whole lump if not dealt with and nipped in the bud. The same is true of bad management of conflicts in marriage. I have been involved in a few counseling sessions with couples in similar scenarios. One of the cases got so bad that the couples’ parents got involved; they got engaged in the use of abusive languages against each other, stating their regret for accepting their children’s spouses in marriage. It took sessions with parents, some member of the family and me to eventually resolve the issue. They are back together now with their three children.
It is worthy to note that it is not a day’s job, but a daily striving to make the home a haven of Love, Joy and Peace. It is also important to know that it is not in all cases that such outcomes end well. I have seen in some instances where it was the very reason that got the couples separated. Marriage is a good thing, but it requires hard work and is not for babies; individuals who are immature, lonely, and selfish.
Dolor aliquet augue augue sit magnis, magna aenean aenean et! Et tempor, facilisis cursus turpis tempor odio. Diam lorem auctor sit, a a? Lundium placerat mus massa nunc habitasse, arcu, etiam pulvinar.