The issues generated between couples sometimes are not really the main issues. In some instances, they are usually symptoms.
I dealt with cases that were so messy that when a diagnosis was carried out, I found out that the complicated cases actually stem from trivial issues. There are cases where; “Not saying I am Sorry” was the beginning of the complicated issue. It accumulated over time and became so difficult to untie. In another case, partners in a relationship shift their focus from the intention behind their partner’s actions. In some instances, intentions are usually for the good of the relationship. In such a scenario, the main deal lies on the “Why”, not “How” the partner acted. The “Why” will help you deal with real issues from their roots while “the “How” will make you focus on cutting the leaves instead of cutting the root.
How can I deal with this?
Picture the consequences of marrying issues with your partner. Ask yourself which phrase is better to be used here; “I don’t like how you acted/behaved yesterday in the presence of everyone. I was embarrassed”. Compare this with; “Your useless behaviour yesterday was appalling/terrible. I regretted having you as a husband/wife”. The one you are used to will explain a bit why you have such outcomes in arguments with your partner. It is time to start working on how you react to situations when an argument comes up. Emotions will always rise when we are angry, but how you deal with that emotion will determine what happens after your arguments/disagreements. Tell your emotion that it is under your control and act accordingly. Also, bear in mind that change will be gradual. Do not be too hard on yourself because it can easily discourage you, making you feel nothing can be done. Having it under control is preventing it from overriding your logic where it drives your choice of words. If there is an anger problem that you are finding difficult to deal with, you might want to talk to a counselor to help you with its management to a controllable level.
Develop the art to the point where you can isolate issues from persons.
Give your partner the benefit of the doubt. If this person doesn’t have your interest at heart, he or she will not commit to spending the rest of his or her life with you in the first instance.
Tell yourself that no matter how bad I think my partner is, he or she still have areas that are beneficial to me. Focus on those areas and affirm the person with praise and validation. The weak areas will progressively improve.
Always remember that you can experience bliss in your relationship.
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