‘’Opposites attract’’ they say. But this seems to fade away in marriage as partners tend to get irritated with the weaknesses of each other which attracted them initially. How can you take your focus off these weaknesses and focus more on the strengths of one another? We have responses from husband and wife. This first article showed the response of the wife. The second article coming out soon will show the husband’s response and also highlights lessons to draw from the articles. (Why does the Very Thing That Attracted you, while Dating/Courting, turns out to be a Bone of Contention in Marriage?)
Wife: I prayed a lot about my marriage and I still pray about it, this may sound religious or spiritual. Since I didn’t know what else to do, and I was getting frustrated with my husband’s silence and non-response to the issues I raised. Despite the pre-marital counseling we had, with classes on communication and conflict resolution; ‘not allowing the sun go down on your anger’ and so on. There were still unresolved issues. How will the sun not go down on one’s anger when at sunset the man is still not saying anything? So I prayed a lot about these things because we used to quarrel a lot during this period. We also read books on resolving conflicts, such as Tim Lahaye on temperaments; “Why You Act the Way You Do” and this opened my eyes to the fact that he was a different person from me. The fact that I talk a lot and he does not which I admired him for does not mean that I should expect him to change from being himself to being me.
My advice to you is that don’t expect things to change overnight. Change will come, but will take time. Continue to talk about those things you need to talk about. Just like my case, don’t leave him alone if he is not talking, else the issues will remain unresolved and will continue to build up bitterness and resentment between you two. Look for books that address those issues, and if you have mentors whose marriages you admire, you can ask them questions. This is not about reporting your spouse but seeking wisdom. However, ensure that they’re people you can trust and ask questions. Initially I thought certain issues encountered at the early stage of my marriage were no big deal but when they kept reoccurring, I knew they were big deals. The interesting thing is; some of the traits that attracted me during our courtship now became issues for me.
In conclusion, I would advise you pray about it and also talk about it. Look for a suitable time to discuss issues. I once spoke to someone about waking her husband up in the night for discussion and she was taken aback by the idea, that she cannot try that with her husband as it will only escalate the issue. What that taught me is that one should seek to understand his/her spouse. If midnight waking works for me, it might be a big issue for some people. Seek to understand the best time to raise issues, and then s/he will give you full audience and proffer a solution to the issue at hand. As stated from the beginning of this article watch out for the next post revealing the husband’s position and the lessons we can draw from them. Twitter: @deleagbogun, Facebook: Bamidele Agbogun, Blogger: www.senseportal.org,
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