The previous posts addressed the different views of sex between ahusband and his wife which creates a gap between them. This gap if not managed effectively results into negative outcomes. This post intends to look at some of the effective ways of dealing with these different views in order to enhance your understanding, which has an impact on your sexual experience.

1.  The Understanding that the total experience is a function of many factors.  Togetherness and separation, tenderness and eroticism, desire and fatigue are all parts of the complex workings of the sexual intercourse. When a husband and his wife are on the opposite sides stated above, it will not yield an enjoyable experience. The real work here is having a good understanding of what exists currently in your relationship, and the willingness to do what needs to be done to bridge the dividing factors. When this is achieved, the pain of being rejected, never being pursued, mismatched desire, and no desire, which has damaging consequences, is taken out. When you are able to see it this way, and you are equally willing to adapt to seeing it work out, then you are on your way to enjoying ecstatic sexual intercourse.

2.  Have a positive self-Image about yourself. What you think of yourself imparts on the level of sexual pleasure you enjoy during intercourse. Some people actually use negative self-image as the basis for going into a marriage. The myth about this is that; when I get married to my spouse, s/he will help balance my negative state. The people that have such mind-set as this, believe that their inadequacy in certain area(s) of their lives will be covered up by their partners as soon as they get married.
Please note clearly, that this is not true. You cannot give what you don’t have. Negative self-image is a thinking disorder which most likely does not align with  your spouse. In similar cases I have dealt with, most of them ended up having problems in their sexual life. Anybody with this trend MUST deal with the image thing first before getting into marriage. It is actually an inner job. The other party, though could help, but must never be seen as the solution. It feels great when you see someone “crazy” about you. When you are able to get to this point, a rocking marriage and sizzling sex becomes a reality. This has a way of bringing your erotic energy to the marriage bed. This should be worked at in order to have both parties express this at the same energy level.

3.  See sex as a good “game” between husband and wife.Some spouses view sex as dirty. Some have a religious coloration of it as something that makes you less spiritual. I am a Pastor, a marriage counsellor and a life coach. I tell people, you feel this way majorly because of your upbringing. Take a mental summersault and really be objective, most of what you believe about sex was planted in your early years. Culture, family, environment and economy of where you grew up contributed greatly to this. I usually say this humorously, the more sex you have, the more spiritual you become, as long as it is done within the context of marriage. It fosters bonding, relieves tension, refreshes, and enhances confidence as well as productivity between husband and wife, if done with understanding.  Sometimes, unpalatable past experiences affect couples in the way they relate with one another. Whatever view you hold about sex, it has to be seen in the light of enjoyment and not mere necessity.

4.  Sex should be discussed. You are husband and wife, and have been licenced to do whatever pleases you in your privacy. When you start out, you might not enjoy it due to the way you imagined it before getting married. But just like organisational policies that go through evaluation, adjustment and improvement, so is the sexual intercourse experience. You have to discuss which part you enjoy the most and which part you don’t. It is when you share this that you have the privilege of hearing where you do well or badly. You are meant to relish and enjoy each other’s body. Therefore, shame or shyness must not be allowed to set in. You MUST cherish and be proud of each other’s body, enjoy the smell and the responses in the act of intercourse. Nothing kills sex drive like a loss of attraction. If this is absent in your own relationship, you have to seek for help by discussing with a qualified marriage counsellor near you.

5.  Be in control of your senses. This primarily applies to husbands. When you are deeply into each other, you realise you are in a different world. All the testosterone (a white crystalline steroid hormone, produced primarily in the testes and responsible for the development and maintenance of male secondary sex characteristics) are at their peak and this has impact on your senses. The control at this stage varies from person to person.  The art of sustaining the sexual intercourse for a long time is a function of your level of control. This is responsible for your wife’s satisfaction. The longer you sustain, the more likely your wife experiences orgasm. It has to do with the control of your mind with your senses.
Have I gotten a 100% grip on this? No. It is a skill that has to be developed over time. The development is premised on your continuous healthy connection and affection with your spouse. In my case, it is usually shorter the first time most of the times. But depending on how long the time we have to be together alone, our second round of sexual intercourse is usually longer and progresses from there for as many rounds you have the capacity to do. It has been on the increase the past eleven (11) years of our marriage. What had helped us is that we have good understanding about sex, been discussing what we feel could be done better, see sex as not just good, but a very good thing to experience within the context of marriage and also have a strong sense of our individual identity.
If you have questions, clarification or need for further counselling, please send an email to; senseportal@gmail.com. 

All your correspondence will be treated as confidential.