In life there is always the law of “karma”, about “Cause and Effect”. Few weeks to our wedding in 2002, one of those occasion where I felt I should respond; “As a Man”, especially when I knew I was right on a particular matter, the situation degenerated badly that I had to retract my stand and apologize before the matter was resolved. What I learned was the fact that; “There will be instances when you are right but have to say sorry in order to maintain peace and sanity in your home”. It must be noted however, that saying sorry is not an admittance of wrong, instead, it is a display of maturity. This understanding freed me from many other similar issues that could have caused similar, if not worse effect. Your approaches that usually bring differences between the two of you have to be reviewed and adjusted over time. You can no longer do things the way you’ve always done them before you got married. Bringing that attitude into the marriage is signing up for unending quarrels that ultimately resulting to major conflicts. I remember the proverb that says; “For you to do the same thing over and over and expect a different result is one of the definitions of insanity”.
The points listed below are some of the outcomes of bad management;
1. We dwell and magnify faults and weaknesses of our spouse: Because of the selfish nature of we humans, you will see through your strength and be blinded to your weaknesses. What this translates to is seeing no problem from your own end but most of the fault linked to your spouse. The trivial matters that could easily have been resolved become big issues as you fail to see your part of the blame. There are instances where not admitting to a wrong, whether you are right or not, will lead to bigger arguments. Those experiences, when I pondered on them very well, I realized that we were being childish. Admittance of error doesn’t make anyone less than s/he is.
2. There is creation of division between both parties: When views cannot be harmonized, each person stands on his/her own, and by so doing, creates two different structures within the marriage. Meanwhile, views are meant to be seen from the same stand point.
Atharva Veda gave two quotes worthy of note:
a. “We should work in unison and with co-operation because disunity leads to problems and failures”.
b. “No institution can function smoothly if there is disunity among its members.
When division sets in, synergy is sent out of the home, and consequently, limited success will be experienced.
3.Energies are expended on unproductive activities. What this does to the home is dissipation of energy with little results. This has the potential to create a hostile environment, making love, peace and harmony difficult to be expressed. The early years of our marriage witnessed some of these. I remember feeling drained and tired on some occasions when I was hurt or felt angry. Within this time frame, there was an unusual experience that makes my logical reasoning warped, thereby making me feel indescribable pain within. This explains why activities you are involved in during this time are usually not productive.
4. Strains In-law’s Relationship. A single match stick has the potential to engulf an entire forest. A little yeast can leaven the whole lump if not dealt with and nipped in the bud. The same is true of bad management of conflicts in marriage. I was involved in a counseling session for a few young couples in similar scenarios. One of the cases got so bad that the couples’ parents were involved in an abusive language against each other, regretting to agree for their children’s hands in marriage. It took sessions with parents, elders of the family, pastors and combination of some of them to eventually resolve it. They are back together now with their three children.
It is worthy to note that this is not a day’s job, but a daily striving to make the home a haven of Love, Joy and Peace. Marriage is a good thing, but it requires hard work and is not for babies (immature, lonely, selfish). Next time, we will take a look at yet another dimension in the Marriage GAPS Series.
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