The set of core values and principles imbibed while growing up has a subtle way of influencing the quality of decisions one makes when it comes to marriage. In the long run, these decisions also have a way of determining your reasons for marriage.
I have witnessed a lot of relationships started out on personal opinion and culture. The apt truism is that culture and opinion changes over time. When changes set in, they alter the reason(s) that generated the earlier attraction. When these reasons are altered, it becomes a problem between husband and wife. Therefore, this suggests that, valid reasons for lasting relationships have to be considered when it comes to the choice of life partners.
This episode will look at marrying for wrong reasons.
1. Marrying in order to escape from an unhappy home. A safe way out of the home that doesn’t bring happiness is one of the reasons some people consider for getting involved in a relationship that ends in marriage. Somewhere in the mind of such individuals, they feel leaving the immediate unhappy environment is automatic to experiencing a better home. Successful homes don’t work themselves. Spouses in such categories work at experiencing success in their relationships.
2. Marrying because of age issue: This leaves you with fewer options. What i have observed over the years is that, some people usually feel that they have the whole time to themselves. At the prime of their lives, they give unrealistic expectations without being truthful to themselves about the choice of person to marry. I once heard a comedian who said when some ladies are still young; they have a way of telling God that the kind of husband they want should have investments in some countries of the world. He said they will go ahead to give God their contact numbers, believing that God will help them arrange the person to call them. He went further to say that when options are limited at their advance age; they will say to God, any man will do. Who are they to give God options? Of course, at this stage, they don’t give proper attention to assessment of whoever comes their way. Anything and anyone will probably pass the test.
Funny, isn’t it? The time responsible guys with a promising future, (probably without such qualifications at the moment), showed up; their offers were turned down. They tend to realise their mistakes when all the good opportunities are virtually gone; it suddenly dawns on them that age is taking its toll on them. The time they choose to become more objective is when fewer responsible suitors comes around. At this critical moment, someone is thinking, why am I not getting responsible guys, even when strong financial status is no longer the main factor? This state suddenly sets in desperation, which has a high tendency to make such ladies make a wrong choice. In other instances, things might not just work out the way one desire. It is such an interesting life. You find cases where some people get married early while others don’t, not necessarily because of the earlier description, but you cannot just place it. It is only human to feel a sense of concern about the age factor. This should also not be allowed to make you rush into the marriage.
In the same vein, some guys enjoy the experience of single-hood because the responsibility is generally not as much as a married man. The freedom of making unilateral decision; go where he wanted at any time, come back home at will, taking vacation without consultation with another, hangs out with friends for as long as he desires and the decision to stay back and sleep over a friend’s place at will are all part of the enjoyment that make some guys delay. When they finally become ready, there is difficulty in the choice of lady to settle down with from the pool of friends such a man now has. When pressure from family members begins to mount as it may apply in some instances, feelings of being left behind arise as most of his friends are married with kids. Suddenly, one realises also that age is now a big issue. This can also make a man also get desperate and hurriedly make a choice that might not be healthily considered before taking that step into the married life.
I will rather advice that one should enjoy one’s single life while being sensitive to potential suitors. Understand what you want and you feel will complete you. In as much as you are not lowering your values and appearing cheap to the other potential partner, you also must ensure that you don’t esteem yourself too highly than you are. I can assure you that you will have great varieties to get from.
3. Marrying as a result of pregnancy : The case of unwanted pregnancy or getting someone pregnant doesn’t make the person the perfect candidate to get married to. You might have made a mistake, but you don’t have to make another one. Instead of finding the best way forward, you may compound the issue, depending on your choice. This does not give licence to someone reading this article, noting in his or her mind, after all being pregnant is not an automatic ticket to marriage. If this occurs, you have to bear it in mind, especially the man, that you are responsible for the care of the mother and child. After delivery, you still remain responsible for the mother and child up until the child is weaned. After this stage, you are responsible for the child completely, even in the event that you did not get married to the same lady again.
I usually ask; why get into what one is not ready for? If the impact of the consequences incurred is high, why not wait until one is mature and ready for such responsibility before getting involved sexually.
4. Marrying because of financial status. It is not advisable to be married to a liability. It is equally not right to use ONLY the financial status to judge who to marry. There should be a balance. The relevant questions i will suggest a lady should ask go thus:
a. Does this person have a career future?
b. Is this person hungry to get better in life?
c. Does this person show some level of responsibility at the current stage?
d. Does this person display any trace of sensitivity and care?
e. Does this person accommodate your contrary opinions some times?
f. Does this person have someone he respects and listens to?
When these questions are objectively and sincerely answered, it will balance the reason for you.
5. Marrying because it is the next thing to do. After college, job comes, car(s) and house equally show up. The next subconscious thing on the agenda is likely to be marriage. Some people feel in a way that suggests that because the next thing on the line is marriage, they must get into it, whether they are ready for it or not. This shouldn’t be. It is better to get into it prepared than using people’s world-view to decide. You will be doing yourself a great disservice than good if you tread this path.
6. Marrying to cure loneliness problem. Loneliness is not absence of people around you. It is internal inactivity, where you lack sense of clarity and purpose for life. The situation where you jump into family line without this understanding will suddenly make you realise that it is beyond not having friends or people around you. If the internal is not totally dealt with, you can be in the midst of fifty(50) people, yet don’t have a sense of connection from within.
7. Marrying in order to have a continuous sex mate. Sex in a marriage is only one part of the main deal. When someone decides to get into marriage with only sex in view, such person will soon get tired. There is a time you get to after having it for quite a number of times, you feel like experiencing other things aside from sex.
There is a discovery that there is more to marriage than just having sex. When the issue of child bearing, raising children, paying school fees, taking children to hospitals, working on developing the children to becoming a total child crop up, you will realise that there are other important issues of life that has not been considered.
Meanwhile, when you understand that marriage was instituted by God, then you want to pay attention to how God designed it to be run. When you look further, you will realise that God actually wants you to keep the act of sex till the night of your wedding. He also highlights the importance of sticking to one person. One person is enough job to work at, how much more, having more than one.
8. Marrying in order to be happy. Your happiness is rooted in your mind. It is more of internal than external. Any externally generated happiness is always short-lived. The internally generated joy is like an offspring that wells up from within. It require that you deliberately make up your mind to be happy. Getting married because you think it will bring you happiness is saying that external stimulation will last you a life time. Obviously, this is not going to happen. If you are not happy before getting married, marriage will not bring you happiness either. You cannot give what you don’t have. The current unhappy state of your heart will also inflict sadness on the other partner in the relationship. Wake up to the reality of life. Life will not naturally give you happiness. You have to demand happiness out of the seeming hostile environment you find yourself. It is your choice.
9. Marrying in order to join the league of those that are married. The human nature in younger generation sees peer pressure as one thing that characterised their group. In older people, the issue of class is what is obtainable. Interestingly, I find out that the feelings of being married is another buzz that is generated among some singles. This happens to people who have many of their friends already married. They look beyond the question of readiness and timing on their part and decide to use other people’s template to run theirs. The time they get involved in a marriage relationship, they discover that the main deal is much bigger than the assumed buzz that pushed them into the league of those that are married.
10. Marrying in order to have a stay permit documents of a particular country: I have seen scores of people going to registry to legalise their union because of stay documents in a country they love to live in. This is called contractual agreement. I noticed this happens more in developing countries. The reason some gave is; it provides means for livelihood, gives you leverage for the countries facilities for its citizen among others. This is obviously human’s idea. And any idea human brings that is out of God’s involvement will not be able to stand the test of time. When documents are secured, the true test of love for each other plays out when both parties start living together. It is at this point they discover differences that are difficult to live with. Ultimately, the relationship breaks away and each party goes separate ways. I asked; Is the objective of marriage to secure documents and eventually part ways? If this happened naturally, it would be okay. But instead of going this route, using permit documents as the reason, why not develop yourself to become an asset to any country of the world. You will not struggle to get into those countries, the countries will see it as a privilege to have you in their countries. Human designed concept cannot be used in place of God’s designed concept and expect a lasting and fulfilling marriage experience.
It is clear-cut from the points noted in this article that you have to marry for right reasons. Marrying based on these reasons will fail withstand the true test of your commitment, love, loyalty and convictions towards each other. It is only in marrying with right reasons that you will experience secured marital bliss.
What are these reasons?
The next article will attempt to narrate the reasons that fall under this category.
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